I just have this feeling...

...that I may be pregnant again. I haven't been over analyzing but I do have the same symptoms I had in my last pregnancy.

I have cramping on both sides, sometimes light, sometimes intense. I also broke out all over my shoulders and chest. My bbs don't hurt but there is the zinging sensation sometimes in my nipples. AND, I've had queasiness, especially in the evenings for the past 2-3 days.

So I caved and tested on cheapies today and there IS something there. I'm either 8 or 9dpo, most likely 8dpo...

Here is a link to my post on tww:

http://www.twoweekwait.com/community/modules.php?name=Forums&file=viewtopic&p=2544273#2544273

All I can do now is just wait and see what happens! Either way, I promise to myself to not get too excited if it IS positive and not get upset if it turns out a fluke. Whatever it is, it is!

My First TWW Post M/C!

So I am officially in my first two week wait since the miscarriage. Today I am either 5 or 6dpo. I'm not expecting to necessarily get pregnant again right away but I also wouldn't be shocked if I did. I've read so many stories of women who got pregnant right after their M/C so I AM a LITTLE hopeful, lol

Ovulation felt very strong and I think I may have ovulated out of both sides. Since ovulation I have just been having some cramping on both sides, kind of like last time when I got pregnant. No other real symptoms though...which is like last time too. So I guess now we just wait and see! I will wait until I am about 10dpo to test since that is when I got my BFP last time.

Oh, one of the girls in a buddy group on twoweekwait got her BFP! It's SO nice to see someone who has been trying many months finally get one. I had been the first in my buddy group since it started to get my BFP but obviously it didn't end well. I hope it means several of the other girls will be getting theirs soon too. :)

Getting The Magic Back!

I haven't updated for awhile because I've been SO busy actually having a social life for the first time in...forever. And it feels REALLY good, I'm not going to lie.

So the sad stuff first. My grandfather passed away a few days ago. He was my Dad's father and my Dad is really struggling because his mother passed three years earlier and he just doesn't know how to handle it. So I'm sad for that but I also think he is much more at peace now. He has been horribly depressed after my grandmother died and now he is with her.

Now, onto other stuff. I ovulated! And I am pretty sure I did from both sides. Usually I cramp strongly during ovulation on one side but this time it was on both. I got a strong surge on my OPT. I'm super happy that my body seems to be going back to normal.

Also, DH and I have been getting the magic back! It feels like we've been making up for a lot of lost time from not being able to be intimate during the pregnancy (bc I was too nervous) and then through the miscarriage. And now...WOW! To be honest, I've been so consumed with everything TTC and pregnancy that our sex, even though it's always good became a little bit routine. I forgot how much fun it is when you're not worrying about timing and performance anxiety and so on. We've been so laid back about it and have been doing it almost every day or at least every other day. To be honest, I wouldn't be completely shocked if I got pregnant again before my next period even starts, but I'm going to try not to get ahead of myself.

I've also decided that whenever I DO pregnant again, that I'm not going to request a beta the day I get my BFP. And I know my doctor will want me to get at least two done, but unless something seems wrong I'm going to insist on no more. I just think it'll do me some good to be more relaxed next time and to accept that fact that if something bad happens again, then it happens again. Some people have to go through it a few times before they get their miracle and I know God has a plan for us and it's going to be what it's going to be.

In the meantime, I am going to enjoy my new found social life and my sexy husband and just be thankful for all that I have RIGHT NOW. Time to enjoy life in the moment.

Am I ever going to ovulate!?

Ok, so when we found out that the baby had stopped growing I started the misoprostal on Wednesday, January 4th. I bled for 3 days until I was admitted to the hospital for bad infection due to incomplete miscarriage and then they performed the emergency D&C on Sunday, January 8th.

Without fertility meds I ovulate about my 16th or 17th day of my cycle. SO far all my ovulation tests are negative and I'm just wondering when it's going to happen. I did take a pregnancy test about 5 days ago and there was still a faint line, but I'm sure it's out by now...

I really hope I ovulate soon....and then get my period soon! I want to start trying for real again! I almost feel lost without having anything pregnancy or TTC related...

All Clear!

So I went to see Dr. Crider for my follow-up from surgery and to discuss future plans and it went very well.  He was very kind and compassionate about everything I went through and it just felt nice to have someone acknowledge what I went through.

Because I haven't seen him in so long (since they insisted I see all the doctors once I was pregnant because you never know who will be on call) I had to recite everything that happened and it was pretty emotional.

But, the good news.  He gave us the go ahead to have sex again, which my husband is surely thrilled about.  It's kinda been awhile.  He wants me to wait two months before starting clomid again, but said we could have sex around ovulation and if it happens, it happens and obviously was meant to.  He said when they tell you to wait 3 months, it's due more to dating issues since your cycle can become a little wonky.

So tomorrow I am taking a spa day (Christmas gift from my husband) and getting myself a wax and going to spend the evening with my love!  It's going to be a perfect Friday :)

My TTC Journey So Far

My name is Kellie and my last name is Pizza.  Yes, Pizza.  It's delicious, cheesy and also happens to be my last name (Thank you for that, dear husband).  My husband, Theo and I have officially been trying to conceive since March 2011.  It hasn't been an easy process.  Every month of BFN's was another month of heart ache.  Then on November 29, 2011, the unthinkable happened!  Theo and I had just returned from visiting family in PA for Thanksgiving.  I was 10dpo and finally decided to test that month.  It was my 2nd round of clomid.  I tested expecting another BFN.  I expected that so much that I tested, barely glanced at it, and went back to bed for an hour.  When I woke up I went to let our puppies, Dexter & Emmie outside and brought the test with me.  As I looked at it outside I almost lost my balance.  There was a second line!  It was faint, but it was there!  I was in shock.  I waited 3 more hours and peed on another test.  This time I used Answer brand instead of First Response (FRER).  And it popped up right away!  My husband was putting our star atop of our Christmas tree when I told him.  He almost fell off!  The joy we both felt in that moment was incredible and I will never forget that feeling.

Fast forward to December 22, 2011.  On this day I am 6w6d pregnant.  Theo and I are at my doctors appointment for my first ultrasound.  I have been so sick everyday with lots of pregnancy symptoms.  We know that by this time we should be seeing a heartbeat.  I am nervous but I feel like everything is going to be OK.  Seeing our baby's heartbeat will be the greatest Christmas gift we ever get and we can't wait to finally call all of our family afterwards.  I have daydreamed about this moment with my husband, when we see that flicker and we look at each other.  That moment we will have where we feel each others excitement, love, and happiness all that the same time.  But that moment doesn't happen.  I am numb as the doctor tells me he is only seeing a gestastional sac and that I'm only measuring 4 1/2 weeks.  He suggests that I have mixed up my dates.  I haven't.  Immediately I start crying.  I know in my heart what this probably means.  I am hysterical, devastated, and inconsolable.  The doctor says this can go either way.  He wants me to come back in 2 weeks for another u/s to see if it's grown.  He says it's not over.  I know in my heart that it is.  My husband has to help me walk out because I can barely hold myself up.  As I walk out I see the looks of pity from the pregnant women in the waiting room.  I am dizzy, sobbing, a mess.

For the next week and a half I am devastated.  I put on a brave face for the holidays but cry in bed when I get home.  My older brother and his fiance announce they are pregnant.  They didn't even want this.  They aren't even happy.  My husband is upset with me, thinking everything is still OK, that I am giving up.  My pregnancy symptoms are still there, but I can feel them begin to subside.  The night before New Years Eve, I go to use the bathroom.  When I wipe, there is blood.  It goes away.  Two nights later, the same thing.  Blood when I wipe.  It goes away again.  When I see the blood the first time, I know for sure.  I call my husband in.  He sees the blood and immediately breaks down for the first time.  He is hysterical and sobbing , saying how sorry he is.  He falls to his knees and hugs me while I still sit on the toilet.  We hold each other, my heart breaking into a million little pieces. 

Two days later I finally go in for my follow-up ultrasound.  I do not even shed a tear as the doctor tell me that my sac has grown, there is a placenta, and everything looks great except for the fact that there is no baby.  He calls it a missed miscarriage.  He writes me a prescriptions for misoprostol.

That next morning I take the meds and begin the miscarriage process.  The cramps are painful and the bleeding is heavy, but I stay strong.

Today is day 3 since I took the pills.  I am still bleeding but feeling much better.  My doctor said we can start trying again whenever we feel ready.  We plan to start the clomid again with my first regular cycle.

This blog is going to document our journey TTC.  There are going to be some tough times but what I am excited for is those wonderful times.  And I KNOW we will have them.  Going through this whole process helped me to realize how strong I am and how solid and strong my marriage is.  And I have a feeling that very soon we will have our own little pizza in the oven <3