The first trimester is NOT so fun.

I hate to complain. I really do. But honestly? The first trimester SUCKS! I feel crappy every minute of everyday. The nausea is constant, even during the night when I'm trying to sleep, so I'm not doing very much of it. I don't actually vomit very often but it's almost worse that I don't.

And the migraines. Are AWFUL. And my skin, my whole back and my shoulders are COVERED in acne. Not just normal pimples, but HUGE cyst like pimples. I'm supposed to be in the bridal party for my brother's wedding at the end of March and I'm DREADING it. I have to wear a strapless dress and I feel so embarrassed of my skin. It looks like I have irritated chicken pox. So gross.

Oh and every time I eat a meal my stomach blows up so big so that I look 6 months pregnant.

And I'm dying to know that my baby is healthy and growing. I have an ultrasound next Wednesday and I will be 7w4d. I think...no, I KNOW, that once I see that little heartbeat that this will all be real for me. And that this crappy first trimester will be so worth it to me. And then, I will do my very best to stop complaining. Promise :)

And All Is Still Right In My World...

After my bright red bleeding scare the other night, I thought for sure it was over for me. It happened after Dh and I were fooling around (no penetration) but I orgasmed, had really bad cramping for 30 sec and then went to pee. When I wiped there was bright red blood. I had it for about 30 min and then it tapered down to a spotting. Still, I was scared so I called my doctor and made an appointment for the following day.

That night I started having terrible stomach pains and figured I was definitely miscarrying. But then I went to the bathroom (TMI, #2) which was painful but I felt so much better after and voila! No more cramps.

All bleeding completely stopped as well as cramps after that and I woke up the next day, everything feeling great again. I started to have hope.

I went to the doctor to get my u/s then and he warned that since I was about 5 weeks-ish that I may not see anything. But I did! I was measuring about 5 weeks 3 days and I had a nice little sac with a yolk! My doctor said it was exactly what he hoped to see and it was perfect for where I was at. He also saw no abnormalities whatsoever and said I may have burst a blood vessel in my cervix during orgasm.

While I am a little more nervous than I was before the incident I do feel much more hopeful. He wants me to go back in two weeks to hopefully see our little peanut with a heartbeat and I can't wait!

I slept much better last night. Oh and when I woke up this morning, our little peanut reminded me that he/she is DEFINITELY there because I've been puking all morning and can't stop. But you know what? I'll take it!

I'm pregnant...again.

So I was right. I'm officially pregnant again. I'm happy, but cautiously. It's sad that having a m/c can take the joy out of getting your BFP, but it does a little. Because things can go either way.

It's crazy that this happened because I did everything WRONG this month. I drank, I smoked, took no vitamins, and I did whatever the hell I wanted for the first time in about a year. We had sex a lot but it wasn't for baby making purposes. I didn't even lay there after with my legs up for 20 min because I got bored after 5 min. I said, fuck it! and I got a BFP? I never even had a normal regular period following my m/c! I just got pregnant when I ovulated right afterwards. I've read a lot of stories about how fertile you are after a m/c but I didn't think it would be that way for me. I mean, we tried to 10 months without fertility meds with nothing but a suspected chemical in August. And then I finally went on Clomid and conceived the second month. Then we lost the baby and I conceive RIGHT away, without trying, without clomid.

It's just a little crazy to me. I always want to tell people to shove it when they tell me, "Relax, it'll happen." but I guess there is some merit to it. That combined with the supposedly being "extra fertile" after your m/c.

Either way, I'm glad. Regardless of what happens, I clearly CAN get pregnant. That's a good thing. This is a wonderful gift and I hope God lets me keep it this time :)

I also want to say that I have so much support from the ladies on TWW and I am very grateful. The fact that many of them are so encouraging and genuinely happy and enthusiastic for others good fortune while struggling themselves says a lot about who they are and I am proud to call them my friends.

I just have this feeling...

...that I may be pregnant again. I haven't been over analyzing but I do have the same symptoms I had in my last pregnancy.

I have cramping on both sides, sometimes light, sometimes intense. I also broke out all over my shoulders and chest. My bbs don't hurt but there is the zinging sensation sometimes in my nipples. AND, I've had queasiness, especially in the evenings for the past 2-3 days.

So I caved and tested on cheapies today and there IS something there. I'm either 8 or 9dpo, most likely 8dpo...

Here is a link to my post on tww:

http://www.twoweekwait.com/community/modules.php?name=Forums&file=viewtopic&p=2544273#2544273

All I can do now is just wait and see what happens! Either way, I promise to myself to not get too excited if it IS positive and not get upset if it turns out a fluke. Whatever it is, it is!

My First TWW Post M/C!

So I am officially in my first two week wait since the miscarriage. Today I am either 5 or 6dpo. I'm not expecting to necessarily get pregnant again right away but I also wouldn't be shocked if I did. I've read so many stories of women who got pregnant right after their M/C so I AM a LITTLE hopeful, lol

Ovulation felt very strong and I think I may have ovulated out of both sides. Since ovulation I have just been having some cramping on both sides, kind of like last time when I got pregnant. No other real symptoms though...which is like last time too. So I guess now we just wait and see! I will wait until I am about 10dpo to test since that is when I got my BFP last time.

Oh, one of the girls in a buddy group on twoweekwait got her BFP! It's SO nice to see someone who has been trying many months finally get one. I had been the first in my buddy group since it started to get my BFP but obviously it didn't end well. I hope it means several of the other girls will be getting theirs soon too. :)

Getting The Magic Back!

I haven't updated for awhile because I've been SO busy actually having a social life for the first time in...forever. And it feels REALLY good, I'm not going to lie.

So the sad stuff first. My grandfather passed away a few days ago. He was my Dad's father and my Dad is really struggling because his mother passed three years earlier and he just doesn't know how to handle it. So I'm sad for that but I also think he is much more at peace now. He has been horribly depressed after my grandmother died and now he is with her.

Now, onto other stuff. I ovulated! And I am pretty sure I did from both sides. Usually I cramp strongly during ovulation on one side but this time it was on both. I got a strong surge on my OPT. I'm super happy that my body seems to be going back to normal.

Also, DH and I have been getting the magic back! It feels like we've been making up for a lot of lost time from not being able to be intimate during the pregnancy (bc I was too nervous) and then through the miscarriage. And now...WOW! To be honest, I've been so consumed with everything TTC and pregnancy that our sex, even though it's always good became a little bit routine. I forgot how much fun it is when you're not worrying about timing and performance anxiety and so on. We've been so laid back about it and have been doing it almost every day or at least every other day. To be honest, I wouldn't be completely shocked if I got pregnant again before my next period even starts, but I'm going to try not to get ahead of myself.

I've also decided that whenever I DO pregnant again, that I'm not going to request a beta the day I get my BFP. And I know my doctor will want me to get at least two done, but unless something seems wrong I'm going to insist on no more. I just think it'll do me some good to be more relaxed next time and to accept that fact that if something bad happens again, then it happens again. Some people have to go through it a few times before they get their miracle and I know God has a plan for us and it's going to be what it's going to be.

In the meantime, I am going to enjoy my new found social life and my sexy husband and just be thankful for all that I have RIGHT NOW. Time to enjoy life in the moment.

Am I ever going to ovulate!?

Ok, so when we found out that the baby had stopped growing I started the misoprostal on Wednesday, January 4th. I bled for 3 days until I was admitted to the hospital for bad infection due to incomplete miscarriage and then they performed the emergency D&C on Sunday, January 8th.

Without fertility meds I ovulate about my 16th or 17th day of my cycle. SO far all my ovulation tests are negative and I'm just wondering when it's going to happen. I did take a pregnancy test about 5 days ago and there was still a faint line, but I'm sure it's out by now...

I really hope I ovulate soon....and then get my period soon! I want to start trying for real again! I almost feel lost without having anything pregnancy or TTC related...

All Clear!

So I went to see Dr. Crider for my follow-up from surgery and to discuss future plans and it went very well.  He was very kind and compassionate about everything I went through and it just felt nice to have someone acknowledge what I went through.

Because I haven't seen him in so long (since they insisted I see all the doctors once I was pregnant because you never know who will be on call) I had to recite everything that happened and it was pretty emotional.

But, the good news.  He gave us the go ahead to have sex again, which my husband is surely thrilled about.  It's kinda been awhile.  He wants me to wait two months before starting clomid again, but said we could have sex around ovulation and if it happens, it happens and obviously was meant to.  He said when they tell you to wait 3 months, it's due more to dating issues since your cycle can become a little wonky.

So tomorrow I am taking a spa day (Christmas gift from my husband) and getting myself a wax and going to spend the evening with my love!  It's going to be a perfect Friday :)

It gets better.

It really does!  On Saturday evening we even went out to a bar for a meetup group and I had such a nice time.  The girls saw all the bruises on my arms and wrists (from the IV's...I bruised like CRAZY) and asked me if everything was OK.  I told them how I was in the hospital (because I don't want them to think my husband beats me) and then with more questions I just explained about having an infection from miscarriage.  I didn't really want to tell people but it kind of felt good to get it out.  And luckily no one made any dumb comments or "helpful" remarks.

So I actually had fun.  I realized how much getting out and socializing really helps me.  It would be so much easier to sink back into my hole of despair but it doesn't do me much good.

I even talked to my older brother today, who has a fiance with almost the same due date I would have had if I didn't miscarry.  Privately, I've been really resentful of them.  But today I made nice and talked names with my brother.  It's still not easy but I AM feeling much better.

Tonight I'm going bowling with my husband, parents, my younger brother and his fiance, and another couple and I think it's going to be a good time.

My next doctors appointment is on Wednesday at 10:30am with the doctor who helped me get pregnant, Dr. Crider.  I'm hoping he will tell me that we can start trying with my next regular cycle.  I need that.

I took a pregnancy test last night since I was curious if anything is left in my system.  I mean, I did the misoprostal, THEN had a D&C, and have barely had any bleeding for the past 3 days.  It was STILL positive though, even if faintly so.  It's the only time I've not wanted to see a positive.  Based on  how faint it was though I'm thinking the pregnancy hormone should be gone in the next few days.

Ok, I'm ready now.

Last night I decided.  I'm done with this unhappiness.  No more moping, no more crying, no more thinking about what could have been.

For me, it's time to move on and move forward.  I FINALLY started physically feeling better yesterday evening and it has done wonders for my mood.  

Everything could be so much worse and I have be be thankful for the facts.  I got pregnant.  It may have taken a year but it DID happen.  The clomid helped and it may very well help do the trick this next time.

I'm seeing my doctor Wednesday next week to discuss our next steps and I am praying he gives us the go ahead to try again after my regular cycle begins.  I don't want to wait several months.  I've been reading so many stories about TTC after a miscarriage and there are SO many who conceived with a healthy pregnancy just a month or two after the m/c. 

This gives me hope and it feels so good.

Where do you get your support?

For some reason, talking about infertility and miscarriage is so taboo. Nobody talks about it, even though we are desperate for the support.  Through my journey I've really struggled and needed somewhere to go, so...I went to the internet.  I found this great website called TwoWeekWait (www.twoweekwait.com).  Two week wait refers to the time in between ovulation and your period...waiting to find out if you're pregnant.  On there I found some truly wonderful and strong women who are always there for me, no matter what.  They know what it is like to struggle, they have experienced miracles themselves, and they also know the devastation of loss.  You can ask ANY question...it doesn't matter how gross it is.  And believe me, with TTC and pregnancy, there are A LOT of gross questions to be asked.  And they are answered without judgement, with humor, and most of all, understanding.  I'm so grateful to have these people to go to during my times of need.  Throughout my pregnancy and my loss, I knew that I always had somewhere to go.  And when I needed a break for a week, they were OK with that too.  I may have never met them in person, but I consider these people friends.  I think they'd say the same for me :)

Anyway, now for an update on how I'm feeling.   I'm still really struggling today.  The past two days have been filled with lots of cramping and heavy bleeding.  I've been doing really good emotionally but had a little bit of a small breakdown last night.  My husband and I were laying together in bed and he was stroking my hair and my face.  I told him how I can't help thinking of that the early baby gifts my parents bought us, with lots of cute little ducky onesies, and soft little baby blankets and how thinking of them makes me sad because in my mind I could see our baby wearing them.  As usual I started crying while he comforted me.  It's hard when you're healing well emotionally but physically your body is so far behind.  It makes it really hard to separate your feelings on everything.  I will say I am so grateful for the support and love of my husband.  Throughout this whole process he has been there for me.  He's always there to comfort me, hold me when I'm sad, cry with me when I need a good cry.  It's really hard on him too yet he puts all his strength into making me feel better.  I feel incredibly lucky for having such a strong and loving husband and such a wonderful marriage.  In times like this, it's important to remember what you DO have and to remember that I'm STILL lucky.