The Truth About How I Feel

Was reminded today that I haven't wrote in awhile.  SORRY!  I've been a huge slacker.

Anyway, I haven't really written because I was debating whether or not I should write this entry.  Why?  Because I'm afraid it makes me sound ungrateful.  And when so many people you care about are still trying to get to this place, you don't want to offend anyone by complaining.  But then I think, this IS my blog.  And those people know how much I care for them and root for them so I don't think they would take it the wrong way.  I want to be honest too.  It would be more wrong of me to fake happiness and joy when the reality is that I have been struggling so bad that sometimes I can't stop crying.

Let me say first that I love this little girl inside of me already with all of my heart and soul.  And I dream nonstop about that first moment when I will see her face.  I know this is all worth it, I do.  I am so grateful to be pregnant with her.  I wouldn't want it any other way.

But that being said, FOR ME, pregnancy has been completely horrible.  Not just bad or tough, but actually torturous.  I thought the first trimester (and half of my 2nd) was the worst because I couldn't stop vomiting for the life of me.  But no, third trimester is without a doubt much worse than that.

Let's go through the list, shall we?  Let me point out also, that I am feeling ALL of these things, every single day, at the same time.

1.  Constipation:  I never knew that constipation could cause pain like this.  I already have IBS and the constipation makes the pain 10x worse.  The horrible cramping and pain from straining is just awful.  I currently take 2 stool softeners/day plus this nasty prune juice/applesauce/bran mixture that the doctor said to eat daily to help regulate me.  That being said, sometimes I still only go once a week...if I'm lucky.

2.  Hemorrhoids:  Because of the constipation I have developed lovely internal hemorrhoids.  The pain is unlike anything I've ever felt.  At one point, I was unable to sit or even walk.  I got to have a really fun rectal exam for those and have suppositories to take on and off, but they are clearly not clearing up anytime soon.

3.  Acid Reflux: Basically I wake up every night choking on acid vomit.  I'm on Nexium AND Zantac and I try to sleep partially elevated.  Still doesn't help.  It's just brutal. 

4.  Hip and Pelvic Pain:  I'm thinking I may have SPD.....my hips are constantly creaking and cracking and I have this HORRIBLE pain in my pelvic area.  I feel it the most when I'm sleeping and try to change position.  It's just awful.

5.  Foot pain:  I have plantars fascitis so I already had issues with this.  But apparently pregnancy makes it much worse.  The pain on the bottom of my feet is so bad that I can't be on my feet for more than 5 minutes at a time or I literally cannot walk anymore.  I do some physical therapy exercises to try to help it but they really don't do much.

6.  Nausea-  Still have it, still sucks. 

7.  Interstitial Cystitis:  I have this bladder condition that causes me to pee every few minutes.  When you're pregnant, it's made much worse.  I don't sleep at night because I am up every 15 minutes having to pee.  The pressure down there is so bad sometimes I don't make it to the toilet on time.

8.  Restless Legs:  If you've ever had restless legs you know how torturous it can really be.  Falling asleep is like a joke, because my legs and feet feel crazy and I can't do a damn thing about it.

9.  Swelling:  I have Fred Flintstone Feet and Sausage fingers.  And they go numb all the time.

I'm going to stop there because it's just a lot.  And that list doesn't even include some of the smaller typical pregnancy issues.  Basically, experiencing this has made me question whether or not I could go through it again.  When you have a lot of medical issues to begin with, it just makes everything that much harder.  Before I was pregnant, I would experience some of these things, but mostly not at the same time.  So it was much more manageable.  Now, it's all at once.  And I'm having a hard time dealing.  I cry.  A lot.  And I just feel like a mess and a failure.  I am so thankful for my kind and patient husband because I don't know that I could get through this without him without going completely insane.

All I can do is pray that the moment Hannah is placed in my arms, that I will forget how bad some of this was.  Everyone keeps telling me I will and I really hope so.  I do know that if I do want to get pregnant again at some point that I would like to start by being in better physical shape than I am now.  I'm sure that's contributed to some of the pain and discomfort.

Anyway, it's all out in the open now.  I hope I am not judged too harshly for my feelings.  I do try to look at the bright side and that is that I have a healthy and active little girl inside me.  I am also so incredibly grateful to the women from my DDC and another small private group because everyone shares without judgement and supports each other and I think that's a beautiful thing.

Only a few more weeks to go.  I know I can do this.