Tuesday, November 20, 2012
Life as a Mom
I haven't written for awhile because I've just been SO busy. Time is just flying by!
My sweet Hannah Jean is now 11 pounds and getting bigger each day. She is 6 weeks and 5 days old. She has been smiling up a storm and making all sorts of adorable cooing noises. She is very alert during the day and loves staring up at the ceiling. She loves laying outside on a blanket and staring at the sky. She is a happy baby who usually only gets fussy on occasion. She already sleeps 5-7 hours at night! Hannie is such a sweet little girl, such a great baby. We are so very lucky.
Never have I been so exhausted and deliriously happy at the same time. There are certainly tough moments and I unfortunately had to deal with some post partum depression which thankfully has been helped by medication. My whole life has changed. It's no longer my own, but I wouldn't change it for the world. I never knew I could love someone so much. I often get emotional and weepy while holding her and watching her play because it's overwhelming....to love someone that much. When she smiles, I completely melt inside. There is nothing more beautiful than my daughters smile.
My family is completely smitten with sweet Hannah. My Mom and My Mema (my Mom's Mom) are just so in love. Hannah's middle name Jean is after My Mema, who I consider my very best friend. And she was born on My Pepa's (my Mom's Dad) birthday. I just love that. My brother Mike and his wife are so wonderful with her. We've chosen them to become her Godparents. Even all our families doggies are in love with Hannah (there are SIX of them!). My two, Dexter and Emmie love cuddling up close to her, Dexter especially. He loves to nap as long as part of him is cuddled up to her. It's funny to think I was once nervous about how the dogs would do with her!
I am going to try and post more here because I want to have a way to remember everything!
If you want to see photos of her please just friend me on my TWW facebook page! I have tons of photos there!
http://www.facebook.com/kellie.rose.39
Saturday, October 13, 2012
Hannah Jean's Arrival!
I'm sorry it has taken me so long to write this but obviously the first week as a new Mom is a very busy one! So here we go....
A planned C-Section was scheduled for Thursday, October 4 when I was 37w4d. It was scheduled early because of pre-eclampsia and a c-section because of my low lying placenta. I arrived at the hospital around 11am and they began taking blood and setting up an IV. My blood pressure was pretty high at 169/110 (the highest it had been). After a few hours, they sent me in for my spinal. I was pretty nervous at this point and it was really hard to not have my husband with me, but I like to think I was pretty brave. I did as they told me and just did some breathing exercises through it to keep myself from getting too worked up. The spinal was pretty painful but the pain didn't last long so I can't complain too much.
The feeling of my legs and torso going numb was definitely very strange for me. The first few minutes before they began cutting I was feeling very uncomfortable and restless. I knew I was breathing because I could talk, but I couldn't feel myself breathing....if that makes sense. They finally brought my husband back in and that made me feel much better. I only had one small moment where I felt some nausea and the anesthesiologist promptly gave me something in my IV that made it go away. My anesthesiologist was wonderful by the way. She was so sweet and kept rubbing my arms to keep me calm.
Everything felt better honestly once they officially started the surgery because then I had something to concentrate on. I could feel a little pressure but no pain at all and felt very calm. The worst part about it all was the shaking. I was shaking SO badly from the spinal (which is very normal) and it was just a pain in the ass more than anything because nothing I could do would stop it. It went by very quickly. They did some quick pushes on my chest which was some uncomfortable pressure but not terrible and then a nurse said, "You're about to meet your baby!". Then another said, "I see some hair!" and then I heard the sound of her cry and oh was she wailing! I immediately started crying and begging them to show her to me. They brought her around the side and I was shocked how she didn't look like me AT ALL, lol. My husband promptly left my side and went over to where they were checking all her vitals. This part was tough because I couldn't see anything and they were working on putting me back together. I was feeling so many emotions but was just kind of stuck there. Then I heard my husband say, "She has Kellie's toes!". I have a funny little toe deformity that I got from my Dad, and apparently passed it on to Hannah. This totally made me smile.
Now for the vitals of her birth. She came into the world at 3:33pm weighing 7lbs 11oz and measuring at 19 3/4 inches long. Apgar was 9/9. She was so healthy that once they brought me into recovery, she came right with me and my whole family got to meet her which was wonderful.
We trying getting her to latch to my breasts but I have inverted nipples. We even used a nipple shield and my nipples started bleeding within 3 minutes. The lactation consultant was honest and told me I probably wouldn't be able to BF from the nipple but pumping would be a great option. This decision didn't come lightly though and it took awhile to finally realize this was the best option for me (because of my breast reduction as well). I was very overwhelmed the first day and very scared of breaking her. I loved her already but felt like I had no idea what I was doing.
By the second day at the hospital things were much better. Once family left I had to be more hands on with Hannah and that's when everything changed. We made eye contact for the first time and I fell so deeply in love in that moment that it just overwhelmed me.
Hannah is now a little over a week old and the absolute love of our lives. My husband is completely enamored by her and I am so happy we both work from home so that we can spend every day with our princess. She is such a well behaved baby and we are feeling so incredibly blessed. I totally burst into tears a few times a day because the amount of love I feel just overwhelms me. Cheesy, but true.
As for recovery, some moments are tough...but I do not regret the c-section. I am healing very well and have been up and about since the day after it. I am losing weight like crazy, already at 5 pounds below pre pregnancy. The pumping and lack of time for snacking sure helps. :)
All in all, life is very good right now. I am exhausted but I don't even care. I had a difficult pregnancy but I can happily say now that YES, it was all worth it in the end. And I would do it all over again in a heartbeat.
A planned C-Section was scheduled for Thursday, October 4 when I was 37w4d. It was scheduled early because of pre-eclampsia and a c-section because of my low lying placenta. I arrived at the hospital around 11am and they began taking blood and setting up an IV. My blood pressure was pretty high at 169/110 (the highest it had been). After a few hours, they sent me in for my spinal. I was pretty nervous at this point and it was really hard to not have my husband with me, but I like to think I was pretty brave. I did as they told me and just did some breathing exercises through it to keep myself from getting too worked up. The spinal was pretty painful but the pain didn't last long so I can't complain too much.
The feeling of my legs and torso going numb was definitely very strange for me. The first few minutes before they began cutting I was feeling very uncomfortable and restless. I knew I was breathing because I could talk, but I couldn't feel myself breathing....if that makes sense. They finally brought my husband back in and that made me feel much better. I only had one small moment where I felt some nausea and the anesthesiologist promptly gave me something in my IV that made it go away. My anesthesiologist was wonderful by the way. She was so sweet and kept rubbing my arms to keep me calm.
Everything felt better honestly once they officially started the surgery because then I had something to concentrate on. I could feel a little pressure but no pain at all and felt very calm. The worst part about it all was the shaking. I was shaking SO badly from the spinal (which is very normal) and it was just a pain in the ass more than anything because nothing I could do would stop it. It went by very quickly. They did some quick pushes on my chest which was some uncomfortable pressure but not terrible and then a nurse said, "You're about to meet your baby!". Then another said, "I see some hair!" and then I heard the sound of her cry and oh was she wailing! I immediately started crying and begging them to show her to me. They brought her around the side and I was shocked how she didn't look like me AT ALL, lol. My husband promptly left my side and went over to where they were checking all her vitals. This part was tough because I couldn't see anything and they were working on putting me back together. I was feeling so many emotions but was just kind of stuck there. Then I heard my husband say, "She has Kellie's toes!". I have a funny little toe deformity that I got from my Dad, and apparently passed it on to Hannah. This totally made me smile.
Now for the vitals of her birth. She came into the world at 3:33pm weighing 7lbs 11oz and measuring at 19 3/4 inches long. Apgar was 9/9. She was so healthy that once they brought me into recovery, she came right with me and my whole family got to meet her which was wonderful.
We trying getting her to latch to my breasts but I have inverted nipples. We even used a nipple shield and my nipples started bleeding within 3 minutes. The lactation consultant was honest and told me I probably wouldn't be able to BF from the nipple but pumping would be a great option. This decision didn't come lightly though and it took awhile to finally realize this was the best option for me (because of my breast reduction as well). I was very overwhelmed the first day and very scared of breaking her. I loved her already but felt like I had no idea what I was doing.
By the second day at the hospital things were much better. Once family left I had to be more hands on with Hannah and that's when everything changed. We made eye contact for the first time and I fell so deeply in love in that moment that it just overwhelmed me.
Hannah is now a little over a week old and the absolute love of our lives. My husband is completely enamored by her and I am so happy we both work from home so that we can spend every day with our princess. She is such a well behaved baby and we are feeling so incredibly blessed. I totally burst into tears a few times a day because the amount of love I feel just overwhelms me. Cheesy, but true.
As for recovery, some moments are tough...but I do not regret the c-section. I am healing very well and have been up and about since the day after it. I am losing weight like crazy, already at 5 pounds below pre pregnancy. The pumping and lack of time for snacking sure helps. :)
All in all, life is very good right now. I am exhausted but I don't even care. I had a difficult pregnancy but I can happily say now that YES, it was all worth it in the end. And I would do it all over again in a heartbeat.
Tuesday, October 2, 2012
I'm having a baby this week!
Yesterday was a crazy day for me! I had my OB checkup at 2pm and we decided to schedule my C-Section for THIS Thursday, October 4th! I was happy with this date especially because it is my Pepa's (my Mom's Dad) birthday and I just love him to pieces and Hannah's middle name Jean is after my Mema (my Mom's Mom). They are both still very much alive and a huge part of my life so I love the thought of having her name and birthday connected to them forever.
Anyway, so we scheduled the C-Section because my BP has been up again and they wanted me to have her before 38 weeks because of it. Also, my placenta is just too damn close to the cervix and they are not comfortable having me try naturally. With the combo of the placenta and pre-e this is just the safest option for me.
After my regular appointment I had a NST with a nurse and Hannah was not cooperating and failed the NST. SO they made me go to L&D for a what they called a BPP which is where they monitor the baby on an u/s for 30 min to check her movements and breathing and make sure everything looks normal. Test came back great which means baby was just lazy earlier. They also hooked me up to monitors and we saw I was having contractions every 6 minutes or so. They weren't super painful but starting to get very uncomfortable. So they let me go saying as long as they didn't start coming 3-5 min together I should be fine.
So I decided to get a bite to eat with my parents since I hadn't eaten yet. On the way there and AT the restaurant I started timing the contractions which had become way more painful and close together. They were 3-4 minutes apart lasting over a minute each. We decided not to run back to the hospital quite yet and just go back to my parents house so we could drop my Dad off and my Mom would take me either back to the hospital or home. (By the way, my husband had been with me earlier in the day, but I made him go home to finish work stuff because I knew he was slammed and had my parents helping me instead.) So we get to my parents house and the contractions are still coming, very painful, and my BP has shot up to over 150/90. So we call L&D and they said to come back in.
As soon as I get there and get hooked up to the machines, I swear things just stalled and stopped. I was still having contractions about 5-6 minutes a part but they just weren't as strong anymore. My hubby met us there because we thought this baby was coming so I felt kind of stupid when it became clear that it was just more false labor. Regardless, my doctor was great and said not to feel stupid at all, and that if it happens again, just come in again because they do NOT want me dilating on my own...not with a low lying placenta as least. (I am dilated 2cm so far and they wouldn't want me going over 3 at this point.) Sooo I came back home, took a warm bath and finally fell asleep. I had contractions all through the night but nothing that made me feel like I should rush back in. I'm hoping all stays quiet the next two days so I can get things done and organized before Hannah's arrival on Thursday!
I'm very excited and of course a little nervous. During my u/s the tech said it looked like she has a ton of hair and it just made me smile imagining what she looks like. This pregnancy has been tough of me physically, but Thursday will be the moment I have been waiting for. Can't wait to hold my little girl in my arms!!!!!
Anyway, so we scheduled the C-Section because my BP has been up again and they wanted me to have her before 38 weeks because of it. Also, my placenta is just too damn close to the cervix and they are not comfortable having me try naturally. With the combo of the placenta and pre-e this is just the safest option for me.
After my regular appointment I had a NST with a nurse and Hannah was not cooperating and failed the NST. SO they made me go to L&D for a what they called a BPP which is where they monitor the baby on an u/s for 30 min to check her movements and breathing and make sure everything looks normal. Test came back great which means baby was just lazy earlier. They also hooked me up to monitors and we saw I was having contractions every 6 minutes or so. They weren't super painful but starting to get very uncomfortable. So they let me go saying as long as they didn't start coming 3-5 min together I should be fine.
So I decided to get a bite to eat with my parents since I hadn't eaten yet. On the way there and AT the restaurant I started timing the contractions which had become way more painful and close together. They were 3-4 minutes apart lasting over a minute each. We decided not to run back to the hospital quite yet and just go back to my parents house so we could drop my Dad off and my Mom would take me either back to the hospital or home. (By the way, my husband had been with me earlier in the day, but I made him go home to finish work stuff because I knew he was slammed and had my parents helping me instead.) So we get to my parents house and the contractions are still coming, very painful, and my BP has shot up to over 150/90. So we call L&D and they said to come back in.
As soon as I get there and get hooked up to the machines, I swear things just stalled and stopped. I was still having contractions about 5-6 minutes a part but they just weren't as strong anymore. My hubby met us there because we thought this baby was coming so I felt kind of stupid when it became clear that it was just more false labor. Regardless, my doctor was great and said not to feel stupid at all, and that if it happens again, just come in again because they do NOT want me dilating on my own...not with a low lying placenta as least. (I am dilated 2cm so far and they wouldn't want me going over 3 at this point.) Sooo I came back home, took a warm bath and finally fell asleep. I had contractions all through the night but nothing that made me feel like I should rush back in. I'm hoping all stays quiet the next two days so I can get things done and organized before Hannah's arrival on Thursday!
I'm very excited and of course a little nervous. During my u/s the tech said it looked like she has a ton of hair and it just made me smile imagining what she looks like. This pregnancy has been tough of me physically, but Thursday will be the moment I have been waiting for. Can't wait to hold my little girl in my arms!!!!!
Tuesday, September 18, 2012
Preeclampsia
So my OB called me yesterday with the results of my 24 hour urine collection and informs me that I have mild preeclampsia. And now that I am diagnosed they need to monitor me much more closely because it can go from mild to severe very quickly. So he made me go into L&D triage yesterday for a few hours for blood pressure monitoring, some labs, and a NST on the baby.
When I got to the hospital my BP was 142/90, which wasn't good. BUT, after that it started to go back down to normal, which was good. Labs came back OK, and the NST was good. Hannah wasn't in any stress and is doing just fine. So they allowed me to go home. The doctor on duty there told me I will have to go into the office twice a week right now for BP monitoring and that I need to be taking it myself every hour or so at home (which I've been doing already).
I know the doctors want me to keep Hannah in there until at least 37 weeks so hopefully nothing escalates too much before then.
Oh and I'm now officially on complete bed rest, which SUCKS. I get bored very easily but hey, whatever is best for baby and me.
I've been pretty calm with the diagnosis until I started googling which I need to stay away from. I need to just have faith that the doctors are doing enough to make sure we are safe.
On Friday I will have an u/s to check growth and also to check my placentas position. If my placenta has not moved the 2cm at least away from the cervix I will definitely be having a c-section. I hope the tech will be willing to give me some of those numbers....otherwise I have to wait until Monday....
When I got to the hospital my BP was 142/90, which wasn't good. BUT, after that it started to go back down to normal, which was good. Labs came back OK, and the NST was good. Hannah wasn't in any stress and is doing just fine. So they allowed me to go home. The doctor on duty there told me I will have to go into the office twice a week right now for BP monitoring and that I need to be taking it myself every hour or so at home (which I've been doing already).
I know the doctors want me to keep Hannah in there until at least 37 weeks so hopefully nothing escalates too much before then.
Oh and I'm now officially on complete bed rest, which SUCKS. I get bored very easily but hey, whatever is best for baby and me.
I've been pretty calm with the diagnosis until I started googling which I need to stay away from. I need to just have faith that the doctors are doing enough to make sure we are safe.
On Friday I will have an u/s to check growth and also to check my placentas position. If my placenta has not moved the 2cm at least away from the cervix I will definitely be having a c-section. I hope the tech will be willing to give me some of those numbers....otherwise I have to wait until Monday....
Sunday, September 16, 2012
I CAN'T STOP...
...EATING!
I have so many cravings everyday that it is hard to keep up! And I get these super specific cravings for random things like fried ice cream, apple crisp, chicken pot pie....and so on.
Yesterday I had a fairly normal craving for CUPCAKES! So I made my hubby take me out to the new cupcake store in town. And we brought home SIX! The flavors were Peach Cobbler, Sweet Potato, White Chocolate Raspberry, Red Velvet, and Peanut Butter Cup. Ohhh they were delicious. I ate 3 in less than 12 hours.
I am such a fatty.
I have so many cravings everyday that it is hard to keep up! And I get these super specific cravings for random things like fried ice cream, apple crisp, chicken pot pie....and so on.
Yesterday I had a fairly normal craving for CUPCAKES! So I made my hubby take me out to the new cupcake store in town. And we brought home SIX! The flavors were Peach Cobbler, Sweet Potato, White Chocolate Raspberry, Red Velvet, and Peanut Butter Cup. Ohhh they were delicious. I ate 3 in less than 12 hours.
I am such a fatty.
Thursday, September 13, 2012
35 Week Checkup!
Alright so now that I got all that other stuff off my chest in my last post, let's move onto some updates about the pregnancy!
I had my OB checkup yesterday with my favorite doctor at the practice, Dr. Crider. I was so happy to finally see him because it's been months (he's been all booked up). Luckily I scheduled all the rest of my appointments for the rest of pregnancy and will get to see him every time.
I've gained 1 pound since two weeks ago putting the grand total at 8 pounds so far. I am very happy with that considering I started out overweight to begin with and the doctors are very happy too.
Belly is measuring over 36 weeks which could indicate a bigger baby, but it could also mean nothing.
I am NOT dilated at all (dammit!) but my cervix is soft and beginning to thin out he said so that is a positive thing. Little girl had turned herself breech two days ago but then turned herself back head down which I was happy to find out.
Now to the concerns of the pregnancy. My BP is high, like 141/91 and there is protein in my urine which are all potential signs of pre-eclampsia. So, I have to monitor my BP (my parents lent me their machine) and I also started a 24 hour urine collection this morning. I have to put every pee I do into a jug that I will be bringing back to the lab. It's a pain in the ass considering I pee every 2 min, but hey, you do what you gotta go. All day yesterday my BP was on the higher side but it did get to normal at one point. Dr. Crider believes the 24 hour urine collection should give us some more answers.
The other concern is about my placenta. It's been low lying ever since my 19 week scan. I had another u/s at 31 weeks (because my doctors felt it would most likely have moved up by then) but it was still too low lying. So now I go in at 36 weeks (Friday, Sept 21st) for a final u/s to determine whether or not it is far enough away from my cervix for a vaginal birth. It has to be at least 2 centimeters away. If not, we have no choice but to schedule a c-section which will happen somewhere around 39 weeks. I wish I could say I had a good feeling about this, but I don't. I just have this gut feeling that my placenta has not moved enough and I want to prepare myself for the disappointment if I'm not able to give birth vaginally. So I'm preparing. And if I go in and it's moved, then awesome. If not, I will just know that the c-section will be the safest option for me and Hannah.
So...that's basically it right now. I had some stuff I wanted to do today but I think it would be awkward to go out with my pee jugs. Lol....although it does make me laugh thinking about it. So I will sit here and home and just collect pee all day!
I had my OB checkup yesterday with my favorite doctor at the practice, Dr. Crider. I was so happy to finally see him because it's been months (he's been all booked up). Luckily I scheduled all the rest of my appointments for the rest of pregnancy and will get to see him every time.
I've gained 1 pound since two weeks ago putting the grand total at 8 pounds so far. I am very happy with that considering I started out overweight to begin with and the doctors are very happy too.
Belly is measuring over 36 weeks which could indicate a bigger baby, but it could also mean nothing.
I am NOT dilated at all (dammit!) but my cervix is soft and beginning to thin out he said so that is a positive thing. Little girl had turned herself breech two days ago but then turned herself back head down which I was happy to find out.
Now to the concerns of the pregnancy. My BP is high, like 141/91 and there is protein in my urine which are all potential signs of pre-eclampsia. So, I have to monitor my BP (my parents lent me their machine) and I also started a 24 hour urine collection this morning. I have to put every pee I do into a jug that I will be bringing back to the lab. It's a pain in the ass considering I pee every 2 min, but hey, you do what you gotta go. All day yesterday my BP was on the higher side but it did get to normal at one point. Dr. Crider believes the 24 hour urine collection should give us some more answers.
The other concern is about my placenta. It's been low lying ever since my 19 week scan. I had another u/s at 31 weeks (because my doctors felt it would most likely have moved up by then) but it was still too low lying. So now I go in at 36 weeks (Friday, Sept 21st) for a final u/s to determine whether or not it is far enough away from my cervix for a vaginal birth. It has to be at least 2 centimeters away. If not, we have no choice but to schedule a c-section which will happen somewhere around 39 weeks. I wish I could say I had a good feeling about this, but I don't. I just have this gut feeling that my placenta has not moved enough and I want to prepare myself for the disappointment if I'm not able to give birth vaginally. So I'm preparing. And if I go in and it's moved, then awesome. If not, I will just know that the c-section will be the safest option for me and Hannah.
So...that's basically it right now. I had some stuff I wanted to do today but I think it would be awkward to go out with my pee jugs. Lol....although it does make me laugh thinking about it. So I will sit here and home and just collect pee all day!
Monday, September 10, 2012
The Truth About How I Feel
Was reminded today that I haven't wrote in awhile. SORRY! I've been a huge slacker.
Anyway, I haven't really written because I was debating whether or not I should write this entry. Why? Because I'm afraid it makes me sound ungrateful. And when so many people you care about are still trying to get to this place, you don't want to offend anyone by complaining. But then I think, this IS my blog. And those people know how much I care for them and root for them so I don't think they would take it the wrong way. I want to be honest too. It would be more wrong of me to fake happiness and joy when the reality is that I have been struggling so bad that sometimes I can't stop crying.
Let me say first that I love this little girl inside of me already with all of my heart and soul. And I dream nonstop about that first moment when I will see her face. I know this is all worth it, I do. I am so grateful to be pregnant with her. I wouldn't want it any other way.
But that being said, FOR ME, pregnancy has been completely horrible. Not just bad or tough, but actually torturous. I thought the first trimester (and half of my 2nd) was the worst because I couldn't stop vomiting for the life of me. But no, third trimester is without a doubt much worse than that.
Let's go through the list, shall we? Let me point out also, that I am feeling ALL of these things, every single day, at the same time.
1. Constipation: I never knew that constipation could cause pain like this. I already have IBS and the constipation makes the pain 10x worse. The horrible cramping and pain from straining is just awful. I currently take 2 stool softeners/day plus this nasty prune juice/applesauce/bran mixture that the doctor said to eat daily to help regulate me. That being said, sometimes I still only go once a week...if I'm lucky.
2. Hemorrhoids: Because of the constipation I have developed lovely internal hemorrhoids. The pain is unlike anything I've ever felt. At one point, I was unable to sit or even walk. I got to have a really fun rectal exam for those and have suppositories to take on and off, but they are clearly not clearing up anytime soon.
3. Acid Reflux: Basically I wake up every night choking on acid vomit. I'm on Nexium AND Zantac and I try to sleep partially elevated. Still doesn't help. It's just brutal.
4. Hip and Pelvic Pain: I'm thinking I may have SPD.....my hips are constantly creaking and cracking and I have this HORRIBLE pain in my pelvic area. I feel it the most when I'm sleeping and try to change position. It's just awful.
5. Foot pain: I have plantars fascitis so I already had issues with this. But apparently pregnancy makes it much worse. The pain on the bottom of my feet is so bad that I can't be on my feet for more than 5 minutes at a time or I literally cannot walk anymore. I do some physical therapy exercises to try to help it but they really don't do much.
6. Nausea- Still have it, still sucks.
7. Interstitial Cystitis: I have this bladder condition that causes me to pee every few minutes. When you're pregnant, it's made much worse. I don't sleep at night because I am up every 15 minutes having to pee. The pressure down there is so bad sometimes I don't make it to the toilet on time.
8. Restless Legs: If you've ever had restless legs you know how torturous it can really be. Falling asleep is like a joke, because my legs and feet feel crazy and I can't do a damn thing about it.
9. Swelling: I have Fred Flintstone Feet and Sausage fingers. And they go numb all the time.
I'm going to stop there because it's just a lot. And that list doesn't even include some of the smaller typical pregnancy issues. Basically, experiencing this has made me question whether or not I could go through it again. When you have a lot of medical issues to begin with, it just makes everything that much harder. Before I was pregnant, I would experience some of these things, but mostly not at the same time. So it was much more manageable. Now, it's all at once. And I'm having a hard time dealing. I cry. A lot. And I just feel like a mess and a failure. I am so thankful for my kind and patient husband because I don't know that I could get through this without him without going completely insane.
All I can do is pray that the moment Hannah is placed in my arms, that I will forget how bad some of this was. Everyone keeps telling me I will and I really hope so. I do know that if I do want to get pregnant again at some point that I would like to start by being in better physical shape than I am now. I'm sure that's contributed to some of the pain and discomfort.
Anyway, it's all out in the open now. I hope I am not judged too harshly for my feelings. I do try to look at the bright side and that is that I have a healthy and active little girl inside me. I am also so incredibly grateful to the women from my DDC and another small private group because everyone shares without judgement and supports each other and I think that's a beautiful thing.
Only a few more weeks to go. I know I can do this.
Anyway, I haven't really written because I was debating whether or not I should write this entry. Why? Because I'm afraid it makes me sound ungrateful. And when so many people you care about are still trying to get to this place, you don't want to offend anyone by complaining. But then I think, this IS my blog. And those people know how much I care for them and root for them so I don't think they would take it the wrong way. I want to be honest too. It would be more wrong of me to fake happiness and joy when the reality is that I have been struggling so bad that sometimes I can't stop crying.
Let me say first that I love this little girl inside of me already with all of my heart and soul. And I dream nonstop about that first moment when I will see her face. I know this is all worth it, I do. I am so grateful to be pregnant with her. I wouldn't want it any other way.
But that being said, FOR ME, pregnancy has been completely horrible. Not just bad or tough, but actually torturous. I thought the first trimester (and half of my 2nd) was the worst because I couldn't stop vomiting for the life of me. But no, third trimester is without a doubt much worse than that.
Let's go through the list, shall we? Let me point out also, that I am feeling ALL of these things, every single day, at the same time.
1. Constipation: I never knew that constipation could cause pain like this. I already have IBS and the constipation makes the pain 10x worse. The horrible cramping and pain from straining is just awful. I currently take 2 stool softeners/day plus this nasty prune juice/applesauce/bran mixture that the doctor said to eat daily to help regulate me. That being said, sometimes I still only go once a week...if I'm lucky.
2. Hemorrhoids: Because of the constipation I have developed lovely internal hemorrhoids. The pain is unlike anything I've ever felt. At one point, I was unable to sit or even walk. I got to have a really fun rectal exam for those and have suppositories to take on and off, but they are clearly not clearing up anytime soon.
3. Acid Reflux: Basically I wake up every night choking on acid vomit. I'm on Nexium AND Zantac and I try to sleep partially elevated. Still doesn't help. It's just brutal.
4. Hip and Pelvic Pain: I'm thinking I may have SPD.....my hips are constantly creaking and cracking and I have this HORRIBLE pain in my pelvic area. I feel it the most when I'm sleeping and try to change position. It's just awful.
5. Foot pain: I have plantars fascitis so I already had issues with this. But apparently pregnancy makes it much worse. The pain on the bottom of my feet is so bad that I can't be on my feet for more than 5 minutes at a time or I literally cannot walk anymore. I do some physical therapy exercises to try to help it but they really don't do much.
6. Nausea- Still have it, still sucks.
7. Interstitial Cystitis: I have this bladder condition that causes me to pee every few minutes. When you're pregnant, it's made much worse. I don't sleep at night because I am up every 15 minutes having to pee. The pressure down there is so bad sometimes I don't make it to the toilet on time.
8. Restless Legs: If you've ever had restless legs you know how torturous it can really be. Falling asleep is like a joke, because my legs and feet feel crazy and I can't do a damn thing about it.
9. Swelling: I have Fred Flintstone Feet and Sausage fingers. And they go numb all the time.
I'm going to stop there because it's just a lot. And that list doesn't even include some of the smaller typical pregnancy issues. Basically, experiencing this has made me question whether or not I could go through it again. When you have a lot of medical issues to begin with, it just makes everything that much harder. Before I was pregnant, I would experience some of these things, but mostly not at the same time. So it was much more manageable. Now, it's all at once. And I'm having a hard time dealing. I cry. A lot. And I just feel like a mess and a failure. I am so thankful for my kind and patient husband because I don't know that I could get through this without him without going completely insane.
All I can do is pray that the moment Hannah is placed in my arms, that I will forget how bad some of this was. Everyone keeps telling me I will and I really hope so. I do know that if I do want to get pregnant again at some point that I would like to start by being in better physical shape than I am now. I'm sure that's contributed to some of the pain and discomfort.
Anyway, it's all out in the open now. I hope I am not judged too harshly for my feelings. I do try to look at the bright side and that is that I have a healthy and active little girl inside me. I am also so incredibly grateful to the women from my DDC and another small private group because everyone shares without judgement and supports each other and I think that's a beautiful thing.
Only a few more weeks to go. I know I can do this.
Monday, August 20, 2012
My Ass Hurts...(a TMI post)
So I totally forgot to write about this last post....I guess probably because it didn't start bothering me as much until late last night.
So, I have hemorrhoids. Usually, while they suck, they are no big deal. Even before pregnancy I would sometimes I get them for a day or so and then they would disappear. I'd have some pain while going to the bathroom and I've only had one REALLY bad attack and that was the night after my wedding.
Cue to last night. I've been a little sore down there, but figure its just because of all the straining due to the constipation. Well I was sitting on the couch for AWHILE. And when I stood up I felt it. It literally felt like something huge was going to fall out of my butt. And I'm not talking about the normal stuff that comes out. It felt like a lead weight. At this point its painful even when walking and I haven't gone to the bathroom in 2 days so I figure it could be that? I was in pain all night long and barely even able to sit.
Today it's 10x worse. I did go to the bathroom this morning...a lot. And it hurt some but I expected some of the pain to go away once it was done because there was no straining.. But it hasn't. That lead weight feeling in my ass has only gotten worse. I've tried warm baths, cold compresses, a little prep H. Nothing is soothing it at all. Getting up and down is HORRIBLE. The pain is excrutiating.
My family has a long history of dealing with hemorrhoids. Several even needed the surgery to remove them at one point. My Mom said it sounds like a REALLY bad case of internal ones and if they don't feel better tomorrow I will need to call my doctor. I'm praying it gets better because I'm already on antibiotics for an ear infection & nexium for my severe acid reflux. I hate taking so much medication :(
I'm pretty f-ing miserable right now.
So, I have hemorrhoids. Usually, while they suck, they are no big deal. Even before pregnancy I would sometimes I get them for a day or so and then they would disappear. I'd have some pain while going to the bathroom and I've only had one REALLY bad attack and that was the night after my wedding.
Cue to last night. I've been a little sore down there, but figure its just because of all the straining due to the constipation. Well I was sitting on the couch for AWHILE. And when I stood up I felt it. It literally felt like something huge was going to fall out of my butt. And I'm not talking about the normal stuff that comes out. It felt like a lead weight. At this point its painful even when walking and I haven't gone to the bathroom in 2 days so I figure it could be that? I was in pain all night long and barely even able to sit.
Today it's 10x worse. I did go to the bathroom this morning...a lot. And it hurt some but I expected some of the pain to go away once it was done because there was no straining.. But it hasn't. That lead weight feeling in my ass has only gotten worse. I've tried warm baths, cold compresses, a little prep H. Nothing is soothing it at all. Getting up and down is HORRIBLE. The pain is excrutiating.
My family has a long history of dealing with hemorrhoids. Several even needed the surgery to remove them at one point. My Mom said it sounds like a REALLY bad case of internal ones and if they don't feel better tomorrow I will need to call my doctor. I'm praying it gets better because I'm already on antibiotics for an ear infection & nexium for my severe acid reflux. I hate taking so much medication :(
I'm pretty f-ing miserable right now.
So I haven't been updating much....
...and that's because I am constantly feeling like crap! And who wants to write a blog where they are complaining all the time? It's time for an update nonetheless though, so here we go.
I had been feeling pretty great for awhile....especially since 21 weeks or so. But once I hit 29-30 weeks, all hell broke loose. The heartburn is the worst I have ever experienced. I literally wake up choking on acid vomit. The doctors put me on Nexium because it's so bad and it's helped a lot but then last night I had another horrible attack of it.
The constipation is WORSE than the 1st trimester. And so much more painful now that the baby is so big in there. When you're having stomach cramping and the baby is kicking you at the same time, it is not fun. Between that and my IBS attacks, I have been having a lot of Braxton Hicks, due to those issues most likely (so said my doctors).
Don't get me wrong, I am still SO thankful to be pregnant. No matter how bad I am feeling, I smile everyday because I know my little girl will be here soon and it'll all be SO worth it. It's just definitely to that point in pregnancy where it starts to become very uncomfortable. Half the time I can barely even reach my ass to wipe it (I so wish I was joking, lol). The cramping and aching and pains are pretty much nonstop. And Hannah is a super active little one inside me. She has brought tears to my eyes with some of her kicks because they are that hard.
Regardless of ALL of that and regardless of all my emotional crying spells, I am happy. In two months or less I will have my beautiful baby girl with me. I can't wait til the moment I see her face and get to hold and kiss her and have her here with us. It's something I dream about often. And my husband is SO excited too. He is going to be such a great father.
Yesterday we did our second maternity shoot. I was 31w3d. We got to see two photos so far and they are SO cute! Can't wait to see more. It was a HOT ass day though. My hair, which I took hours to straighten nicely was completely curly by the end. Oh well. You can check those two photos out on my FB page if you want. :)
That's all for now! I'll try to update sooner again!
I had been feeling pretty great for awhile....especially since 21 weeks or so. But once I hit 29-30 weeks, all hell broke loose. The heartburn is the worst I have ever experienced. I literally wake up choking on acid vomit. The doctors put me on Nexium because it's so bad and it's helped a lot but then last night I had another horrible attack of it.
The constipation is WORSE than the 1st trimester. And so much more painful now that the baby is so big in there. When you're having stomach cramping and the baby is kicking you at the same time, it is not fun. Between that and my IBS attacks, I have been having a lot of Braxton Hicks, due to those issues most likely (so said my doctors).
Don't get me wrong, I am still SO thankful to be pregnant. No matter how bad I am feeling, I smile everyday because I know my little girl will be here soon and it'll all be SO worth it. It's just definitely to that point in pregnancy where it starts to become very uncomfortable. Half the time I can barely even reach my ass to wipe it (I so wish I was joking, lol). The cramping and aching and pains are pretty much nonstop. And Hannah is a super active little one inside me. She has brought tears to my eyes with some of her kicks because they are that hard.
Regardless of ALL of that and regardless of all my emotional crying spells, I am happy. In two months or less I will have my beautiful baby girl with me. I can't wait til the moment I see her face and get to hold and kiss her and have her here with us. It's something I dream about often. And my husband is SO excited too. He is going to be such a great father.
Yesterday we did our second maternity shoot. I was 31w3d. We got to see two photos so far and they are SO cute! Can't wait to see more. It was a HOT ass day though. My hair, which I took hours to straighten nicely was completely curly by the end. Oh well. You can check those two photos out on my FB page if you want. :)
That's all for now! I'll try to update sooner again!
Saturday, July 14, 2012
I'm a terrible blogger!
I haven't written for awhile but please forgive me! I am just so tired and exhausted all of the time and have been doing way too much. My husband has made me promise to start relaxing and taking it easy so that's what I'm planning on.
Pregnant life has been going pretty well lately. My belly gets bigger everyday and I have to admit that my belly is my favorite part! I LOVE having a baby belly. I keep saying one of the best parts of pregnancy is that I can eat a big meal and NOT suck in my stomach afterwards. I can proudly let it all hang out! LOVE IT!
I've been experiencing some weird and uncomfortable movement from Hannah lately that has made me feel a bit off to be honest. I love feeling her move...most of the time. But now she's kicking my ribs all the time and balling up in my belly making it contort and move all weird. She makes my entire belly move and mold and shake. It took a few days to get used to these new movements that are obviously because she is getting so much bigger! Now I'm starting to realize how cool it really is. Sometimes she kicks me and I can push back at that little spot and feel HER pushing back at it. Totally cool.
I've also been busy getting things together for the shower my Mom is throwing me. I'm trying to let her do it all (with the help of my best friend and SIL) but I just feel guilty sometimes that they are all doing this for me and Hannah and I want to try and help. My shower will be on August 5 and I am super excited!
The nursery is also coming along nicely and it truly is a beautiful room. Once it is fully finished I will post photos.
Also, I post photos all the time on my TWW facebook page, so remember you can add me there if you're interested!
http://www.facebook.com/kellie.rose.39
Pregnant life has been going pretty well lately. My belly gets bigger everyday and I have to admit that my belly is my favorite part! I LOVE having a baby belly. I keep saying one of the best parts of pregnancy is that I can eat a big meal and NOT suck in my stomach afterwards. I can proudly let it all hang out! LOVE IT!
I've been experiencing some weird and uncomfortable movement from Hannah lately that has made me feel a bit off to be honest. I love feeling her move...most of the time. But now she's kicking my ribs all the time and balling up in my belly making it contort and move all weird. She makes my entire belly move and mold and shake. It took a few days to get used to these new movements that are obviously because she is getting so much bigger! Now I'm starting to realize how cool it really is. Sometimes she kicks me and I can push back at that little spot and feel HER pushing back at it. Totally cool.
I've also been busy getting things together for the shower my Mom is throwing me. I'm trying to let her do it all (with the help of my best friend and SIL) but I just feel guilty sometimes that they are all doing this for me and Hannah and I want to try and help. My shower will be on August 5 and I am super excited!
The nursery is also coming along nicely and it truly is a beautiful room. Once it is fully finished I will post photos.
Also, I post photos all the time on my TWW facebook page, so remember you can add me there if you're interested!
http://www.facebook.com/kellie.rose.39
Thursday, June 7, 2012
Leaking Nipples
The leaking has begun! Yesterday I woke up from a nap with clear sticky liquid all over my shirt by my left nipple. And today it's coming from both but especially from my right. It's pretty gross, I'm not going to lie.
BUT, I will hopefully take this as a positive sign that I may be able to breastfeed since I've been unsure because of my breast reduction. In the meantime, I guess I need to start wearing some pads in my bras.
In other news- I waxed the tan off my face above my eyebrows yesterday. My skin has been on the verge of peeling since my beach trip and the wax just took it right off. So...I look really weird right now HA!
BUT, I will hopefully take this as a positive sign that I may be able to breastfeed since I've been unsure because of my breast reduction. In the meantime, I guess I need to start wearing some pads in my bras.
In other news- I waxed the tan off my face above my eyebrows yesterday. My skin has been on the verge of peeling since my beach trip and the wax just took it right off. So...I look really weird right now HA!
Wednesday, June 6, 2012
Gender Confirmation and Some Reflection
Well our u/s at 20 weeks confirmed what we were told at 15 weeks and that is that it is most certainly a sweet baby GIRL! I am so happy. I totally had these irrational thoughts that there would suddenly be a penis. LOL Not that it would be the end of the world, but I spent 3 hours putting up a girly tree decal in the nursery! Which reminds me that I need to post some pictures soon!
I have been feeling tons of movement. She kicks and punches me all day and I love every one of them. My husband got to feel her kick for the first time the other day and the look on his face was priceless. I LOVED it.
I'm getting pretty big and round already! I recently went to an expecting Moms meetup.com group and there were these tiny pregnant women over 30 weeks who made me look like a cow. Oh well. Everyone carries differently I guess.
Anyway, I have been thinking a lot about what we went through back in December and January with our miscarriage. Even when I got pregnant again I was still feeling a lot of anger over what happened but I've finally learned to let go of that. It still makes me sad to think of it, the moment we realized our baby was definitely gone, and the look on my husbands face as it crumbled when he began to cry. The way my legs wouldn't work at that first fateful ultrasound and I thought I would die. Now that I have our little Hannah growing inside me, I feel differently. As hard as it all was, it made me stronger, my husband stronger, and it made our marriage unbreakable. I now truly believed it happened for a reason. That God wanted to test our love and strength. And when we passed the test, when we came together stronger than ever, He quickly gave us our new gift, our little baby girl. I know that there is still time for bad things to happen but I don't think about that anymore. I completely trust that this is our take home baby, and that we had to lose our other one in order to give life to this one. Right now, I couldn't be more grateful.
I have been feeling tons of movement. She kicks and punches me all day and I love every one of them. My husband got to feel her kick for the first time the other day and the look on his face was priceless. I LOVED it.
I'm getting pretty big and round already! I recently went to an expecting Moms meetup.com group and there were these tiny pregnant women over 30 weeks who made me look like a cow. Oh well. Everyone carries differently I guess.
Anyway, I have been thinking a lot about what we went through back in December and January with our miscarriage. Even when I got pregnant again I was still feeling a lot of anger over what happened but I've finally learned to let go of that. It still makes me sad to think of it, the moment we realized our baby was definitely gone, and the look on my husbands face as it crumbled when he began to cry. The way my legs wouldn't work at that first fateful ultrasound and I thought I would die. Now that I have our little Hannah growing inside me, I feel differently. As hard as it all was, it made me stronger, my husband stronger, and it made our marriage unbreakable. I now truly believed it happened for a reason. That God wanted to test our love and strength. And when we passed the test, when we came together stronger than ever, He quickly gave us our new gift, our little baby girl. I know that there is still time for bad things to happen but I don't think about that anymore. I completely trust that this is our take home baby, and that we had to lose our other one in order to give life to this one. Right now, I couldn't be more grateful.
Sunday, May 20, 2012
Pure Pregnant Rage...over french fries.
So, the other day I had a hardcore McDonald's craving and I wanted french fries in the worst way. Theo was already on his way out to run some errands which were right by the McDonald's so he promised to pick me up some.
Well, the dummy came back empty-handed. As a result, he got the pleasure of experiencing some pure pregnant rage. I yelled at him, I cried, I stomped my feet. I said, "No noooo noooo, pleassse" over and over. I kicked him out of our room and he called me an ass. That prompted some more crying while sitting on my bed....that then turned into hysterical laughter once I realized how crazy I was...until I sneezed, peed my bed and started crying again.
Hubby and I made up of course and all is well. But I will be honest. I am struggling pretty bad with my emotions lately. I've been feeling very down the last few days for no reason. I was supposed to spend time with a girlfriend today and when she cancelled on me last minute, I just kind of lost it (not on her, luckily). One thing is clear: these hormones...they are RAGING!
Well, the dummy came back empty-handed. As a result, he got the pleasure of experiencing some pure pregnant rage. I yelled at him, I cried, I stomped my feet. I said, "No noooo noooo, pleassse" over and over. I kicked him out of our room and he called me an ass. That prompted some more crying while sitting on my bed....that then turned into hysterical laughter once I realized how crazy I was...until I sneezed, peed my bed and started crying again.
Hubby and I made up of course and all is well. But I will be honest. I am struggling pretty bad with my emotions lately. I've been feeling very down the last few days for no reason. I was supposed to spend time with a girlfriend today and when she cancelled on me last minute, I just kind of lost it (not on her, luckily). One thing is clear: these hormones...they are RAGING!
Saturday, May 19, 2012
The moments that make it all SO worth it.
As you know, pregnancy has not been so kind to me. I've had severe morning sickness and pretty much every other negative symptom you can get. It's no secret. I'm not a fan of pregnancy.
However, start at about 15w4d I slowly started feeling better. Don't get me wrong. I am in way feeling that so called "Honeymoon" phase. But my nausea is now mild and that is a HUGE relief. In it's place I've been blessed with some nice migraines and horrible heartburn. But you know what? I can deal.
Recently I started feeling Hannah move and it's changed the way I feel about this pregnancy. They started as tickly little flutters and now I'm feeling some full on thumps! I absolutely LOVE it. It makes all the bad days worth it. And I love listening to her with my doppler moving around all crazy with her strong heart beating. I'm bonding with her, for real now, and I'm already so in love.
We recently went on a "babymoon" to the Bahamas and had a great time. I was in a bathing suit most of the trip and am now very visibly pregnant. I love that part too. I love when people look at my belly and then smile at me knowingly.
We've bought so much stuff already and I can't wait to share it with all of you. I will post some pictures in my next post!
I am 18 weeks today and could not be happier! I cannot WAIT to meet this little girl!
However, start at about 15w4d I slowly started feeling better. Don't get me wrong. I am in way feeling that so called "Honeymoon" phase. But my nausea is now mild and that is a HUGE relief. In it's place I've been blessed with some nice migraines and horrible heartburn. But you know what? I can deal.
Recently I started feeling Hannah move and it's changed the way I feel about this pregnancy. They started as tickly little flutters and now I'm feeling some full on thumps! I absolutely LOVE it. It makes all the bad days worth it. And I love listening to her with my doppler moving around all crazy with her strong heart beating. I'm bonding with her, for real now, and I'm already so in love.
We recently went on a "babymoon" to the Bahamas and had a great time. I was in a bathing suit most of the trip and am now very visibly pregnant. I love that part too. I love when people look at my belly and then smile at me knowingly.
We've bought so much stuff already and I can't wait to share it with all of you. I will post some pictures in my next post!
I am 18 weeks today and could not be happier! I cannot WAIT to meet this little girl!
Wednesday, May 2, 2012
So I pee my pants....often.
Peeing my pants has become a daily occurrence. The other day I sneezed once and excitedly told my husband I didn't pee! The next thing that came out of my mouth was ANOTHER sneeze and welp, there it went. I ran up to go to the bathroom and Theo starts pointing at the couch, laughing hysterically saying "Babe, you PEED the couch!" Yes, I peed the couch. I have also peed while sitting on my bed, while vomiting over a toilet, and in a restaurant booth when I laughed too hard.
I am only 15w4d. I have a feeling things will only get worse. Pregnancy is just SO sexy. ;)
BTW- I want to invite anyone who reads my blog to friend me over on Facebook. I have a special account JUST for my TWW/TTC friends where I post a lot more pictures and stuff than you will find here. Feel free to send me a request!
http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=100003769680667
I am only 15w4d. I have a feeling things will only get worse. Pregnancy is just SO sexy. ;)
BTW- I want to invite anyone who reads my blog to friend me over on Facebook. I have a special account JUST for my TWW/TTC friends where I post a lot more pictures and stuff than you will find here. Feel free to send me a request!
http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=100003769680667
Tuesday, May 1, 2012
It's a....
GIRL!!!!!! We had our elective u/s on Saturday and found out we're having a sweet little girl. Her name will be Hannah Jean and we are so in love already <3
Wednesday, April 18, 2012
Finally in the 2nd Trimester!
Yesterday I had a regular OB visit at 13w3d. I was nervous, as always because I wasn't sure what they were actually going to do. My Dr. whipped out the doppler which made me even MORE nervous because I am a bigger girl and I hear so many stories of not being able to find the heartbeat with the doppler. But the moment he put it on my belly, there is was! A nice strong galloping heartbeat going around 158-160. It's such a beautiful sound.
In the last two weeks my belly has grown so much and I have felt SO much bigger. I was sure the scale would say I gained 5-10 pounds. But I lost another two! I'm actually down 2 pounds from my original starting weight. Made me feel good because I am a bigger girl anyway so there shouldn't be a lot of weight for me to gain. If I could gain under 25 pounds overall that would be ideal for me. I'd prefer under 15 even. My Mom had been making comments all week that I had to have gained a lot so it felt nice to through it back at her lol.
Here's a comparison photo collage of my belly pics so far. I've really started to pop!
Oh and in case anyone is wondering, Yes, I am still sick. Pretty badly too. It's sad because I'm kind of getting used to it. Maybe just be what pregnancy does to me.
In the last two weeks my belly has grown so much and I have felt SO much bigger. I was sure the scale would say I gained 5-10 pounds. But I lost another two! I'm actually down 2 pounds from my original starting weight. Made me feel good because I am a bigger girl anyway so there shouldn't be a lot of weight for me to gain. If I could gain under 25 pounds overall that would be ideal for me. I'd prefer under 15 even. My Mom had been making comments all week that I had to have gained a lot so it felt nice to through it back at her lol.
Here's a comparison photo collage of my belly pics so far. I've really started to pop!
Oh and in case anyone is wondering, Yes, I am still sick. Pretty badly too. It's sad because I'm kind of getting used to it. Maybe just be what pregnancy does to me.
Wednesday, April 4, 2012
Holy Heartburn & U/S Update!
First the good news! I had my 11w2d ultrasound on Monday and it went great! Check out this cutie!
Baby measured perfectly and was moving all over the place! Lots of backflips! Maybe our LO will be a gymnast like Mommy was! Heart rate was nice and strong at 160! Theo was smiling from ear to ear. Oh and we officially came out on facebook! Here is our announcement....I wrote "There is a little Pizza in the oven...Fully baked by October 2012" with this picture:
Now a little complaining time. Morning sickness has only gotten worse and is still all day long sickness. I puke about 5+ times a day. And 3 days ago I started getting HORRID heartburn. It's pretty much nonstop. Tums have become my new best friend.
I'll be coming into the second trimester soon (I'm 11w4d today) and I'm hoping some of these symptoms subside! I'm starting to get used to them at least. Seeing the smile on my husbands face everyday now because he is so happy about this baby just warms my heart. Vomiting sucks...heartburn blows...but I gotta say...Life is still pretty damn good :) WOuldn't have it any other way!
Baby measured perfectly and was moving all over the place! Lots of backflips! Maybe our LO will be a gymnast like Mommy was! Heart rate was nice and strong at 160! Theo was smiling from ear to ear. Oh and we officially came out on facebook! Here is our announcement....I wrote "There is a little Pizza in the oven...Fully baked by October 2012" with this picture:
Now a little complaining time. Morning sickness has only gotten worse and is still all day long sickness. I puke about 5+ times a day. And 3 days ago I started getting HORRID heartburn. It's pretty much nonstop. Tums have become my new best friend.
I'll be coming into the second trimester soon (I'm 11w4d today) and I'm hoping some of these symptoms subside! I'm starting to get used to them at least. Seeing the smile on my husbands face everyday now because he is so happy about this baby just warms my heart. Vomiting sucks...heartburn blows...but I gotta say...Life is still pretty damn good :) WOuldn't have it any other way!
Tuesday, March 27, 2012
The Day to Day Vomit Struggle
Holy hell, does morning sickness suck or what?
It's killing me so badly right now. Every week or so I get one day that I start to feel better and I get all excited thinking, hey, maybe it's starting to subside!
The next day comes and NO SUCH LUCK! I've become very good friends with my toilet. The worst part is that while I'm in the process of the preliminary dry heaving and gagging that comes before the big show, I have to try and shove a pad or some toilet paper in my underwear because I pee my fricking pants every time I throw up. I should add that it's fun when it happens in a public place.
I'm praying hard that this will start to subside as I go into my 2nd trimester.
I just got a text from my husband and it says. "I love you baby. And I can't wait to hold *ours* this year. Also, I'm bringing home pizza."
It's reminders like those....and let's be honest...the pizza... that make it ALL worthwhile. :)
It's killing me so badly right now. Every week or so I get one day that I start to feel better and I get all excited thinking, hey, maybe it's starting to subside!
The next day comes and NO SUCH LUCK! I've become very good friends with my toilet. The worst part is that while I'm in the process of the preliminary dry heaving and gagging that comes before the big show, I have to try and shove a pad or some toilet paper in my underwear because I pee my fricking pants every time I throw up. I should add that it's fun when it happens in a public place.
I'm praying hard that this will start to subside as I go into my 2nd trimester.
I just got a text from my husband and it says. "I love you baby. And I can't wait to hold *ours* this year. Also, I'm bringing home pizza."
It's reminders like those....and let's be honest...the pizza... that make it ALL worthwhile. :)
Tuesday, March 20, 2012
I'm sorry to say this but...
...pregnancy sucks.
I debated whether or not I should write about this because I know there are so many ladies out there who want this more than anything. And these are ladies that I care about. But you know what? I wanted this too and this is MY blog so here goes....
While we were struggling to conceive and then going through our miscarriage my heart was broken at the thought of not being able to experience pregnancy. I yearned to know what it felt like for life to grow inside me.
I finally got what I wanted and I could not feel worse. I am 9w3d today and I am in CONSTANT pain. I've been having IBS flare ups that leave me doubled over in pain and hysterically crying while straining to go to the bathroom and vomiting at the same time.
I get to go #2 maybe once every 4-5 days. I pee about 8-9 times/hour. And this horrible nausea rarely leaves me. I am constantly exhausted but can't sleep at night. My restless leg syndrome has also gotten 10x worse. There have been only two moments that made it worth it to me and those were the two times we have seen our gummy bear so far.
I've always said I wanted to have 3 kids. I will be lucky if I want to have another after this.
I am praying that things get better in the next few weeks. I love this baby so much already and desperately want to enjoy the incredible things taking place in my body but when you feel this awful, it's just so hard to see the silver lining.
I'm sorry if I seem like an asshole or if I seem insensitive to be complaining. But this is my journey and this is how I feel RIGHT NOW. I'm sure in a few weeks once I start growing my belly and feeling the baby kick I will feel completely different.
In the meantime I'll be praying to the pregnancy Gods to please please please let me feel better....even if just for a few hours!
I debated whether or not I should write about this because I know there are so many ladies out there who want this more than anything. And these are ladies that I care about. But you know what? I wanted this too and this is MY blog so here goes....
While we were struggling to conceive and then going through our miscarriage my heart was broken at the thought of not being able to experience pregnancy. I yearned to know what it felt like for life to grow inside me.
I finally got what I wanted and I could not feel worse. I am 9w3d today and I am in CONSTANT pain. I've been having IBS flare ups that leave me doubled over in pain and hysterically crying while straining to go to the bathroom and vomiting at the same time.
I get to go #2 maybe once every 4-5 days. I pee about 8-9 times/hour. And this horrible nausea rarely leaves me. I am constantly exhausted but can't sleep at night. My restless leg syndrome has also gotten 10x worse. There have been only two moments that made it worth it to me and those were the two times we have seen our gummy bear so far.
I've always said I wanted to have 3 kids. I will be lucky if I want to have another after this.
I am praying that things get better in the next few weeks. I love this baby so much already and desperately want to enjoy the incredible things taking place in my body but when you feel this awful, it's just so hard to see the silver lining.
I'm sorry if I seem like an asshole or if I seem insensitive to be complaining. But this is my journey and this is how I feel RIGHT NOW. I'm sure in a few weeks once I start growing my belly and feeling the baby kick I will feel completely different.
In the meantime I'll be praying to the pregnancy Gods to please please please let me feel better....even if just for a few hours!
Tuesday, March 13, 2012
ER Visit
Today....was a NIGHTMARE. So I went out today to do some shopping, get back home, and had to call my home protection company about replacing our dishwasher. Of course, typical scam artists that they are, they claim it's not covered, blah blah blah, but they have kept me hanging for over two weeks waiting to get this news. So understandably I get very upset and start yelling and arguing over the phone. When I hang up I am frustrated and pissed off and just burst into tears. I go to the bathroom to pee and when I wipe...BRIGHT RED BLOOD. There was even a nice tiny two little clots. My heart drops because I've been having brown spotting every other evening or so and I just felt like, Ok, it's over. I call my doctor and they are about to close for the day so they tell me to go straight to the ER since one of their doctors would be on staff. By this time I'm not bleeding anymore (it only lasted a wipe or two) but they insisted, so I went.
We waited, waited some more, and finally went back for an ultrasound. The tech wasn't supposed to tell us anything but she saw how nervous I was (plus, DH was watching the u/s screen like a hawk right over her shoulder). So finally (seriously, this was like a 30 min u/s) she says, please don't tell, but I want to make you feel better and turns the screen. There was our little gummy bear wiggling around. He/she looked like a little astronaut or kinda like Kenny from South Park, lol. I saw the flicker right away and felt so incredibly relieved. She measured the heart rate at 176, nice and strong. They can't find ANYTHING abnormal.
SO the news is good news, everything is OK. Baby measures 8w3d exactly. They still don't have a definite answer for me on why I'm bleeding but they have a few theories. One is that they see a lot of pregnant patients with endo (I have it pretty severely) have some red bleeding with tiny pieces of tissue from time to time. Or it could be my cervix. Or I'm just one of those strange pregnant women that mysteriously bleed for no reason. Seriously? This kid is KILLIN me! Lol. Apparently my doctors will be monitoring me more closely now (which I definitely do not mind).
Anyway, that's my story. Now I'm going to bed!
We waited, waited some more, and finally went back for an ultrasound. The tech wasn't supposed to tell us anything but she saw how nervous I was (plus, DH was watching the u/s screen like a hawk right over her shoulder). So finally (seriously, this was like a 30 min u/s) she says, please don't tell, but I want to make you feel better and turns the screen. There was our little gummy bear wiggling around. He/she looked like a little astronaut or kinda like Kenny from South Park, lol. I saw the flicker right away and felt so incredibly relieved. She measured the heart rate at 176, nice and strong. They can't find ANYTHING abnormal.
SO the news is good news, everything is OK. Baby measures 8w3d exactly. They still don't have a definite answer for me on why I'm bleeding but they have a few theories. One is that they see a lot of pregnant patients with endo (I have it pretty severely) have some red bleeding with tiny pieces of tissue from time to time. Or it could be my cervix. Or I'm just one of those strange pregnant women that mysteriously bleed for no reason. Seriously? This kid is KILLIN me! Lol. Apparently my doctors will be monitoring me more closely now (which I definitely do not mind).
Anyway, that's my story. Now I'm going to bed!
Wednesday, March 7, 2012
Our peanut has a heartbeat!
Today was the moment I was excited for and dreading at the same time. I knew this u/s would either make me or break me. I've had some spotting and mild bleeding episodes so I knew this could turn out badly.
As Theo and I sat in the doctors office, I thought I was going to have a full fledged panic attack. When my wonderful doctor came in, he immediately saw how nervous I was and said, "Let's get straight to it."
I had transvaginal u/s and because of my tilted uterus he had to put a lot more pressure. As first I saw what just looked like an empty sac and I froze. But then he moved it a little more and there is was....our perfect little peanut. And then even more wonderfully, I saw the little flicker of our little one's heartbeat. With their new u/s machines he thought he could get it for us to hear as well and he did. It was so perfect and I immediately began to cry. But this time, it was with happiness. Theo had a smile so big on his face, I wish I could have taken a picture.
Our baby is measuring 7w4d exactly. We didn't get the exact heart rate because I kept moving (crying/laughing/shaking, you name it) but the doctor said it was well over 100 and absolutely perfect.
We could not be happier.
The only downside today is that the u/s left me quite tender (as the doctor said it would because of the added pressure) but it's a small price to pay for this incredible moment. Next u/s will be between 10-12 weeks!
In the meantime, here is our little peanut!
As Theo and I sat in the doctors office, I thought I was going to have a full fledged panic attack. When my wonderful doctor came in, he immediately saw how nervous I was and said, "Let's get straight to it."
I had transvaginal u/s and because of my tilted uterus he had to put a lot more pressure. As first I saw what just looked like an empty sac and I froze. But then he moved it a little more and there is was....our perfect little peanut. And then even more wonderfully, I saw the little flicker of our little one's heartbeat. With their new u/s machines he thought he could get it for us to hear as well and he did. It was so perfect and I immediately began to cry. But this time, it was with happiness. Theo had a smile so big on his face, I wish I could have taken a picture.
Our baby is measuring 7w4d exactly. We didn't get the exact heart rate because I kept moving (crying/laughing/shaking, you name it) but the doctor said it was well over 100 and absolutely perfect.
We could not be happier.
The only downside today is that the u/s left me quite tender (as the doctor said it would because of the added pressure) but it's a small price to pay for this incredible moment. Next u/s will be between 10-12 weeks!
In the meantime, here is our little peanut!
Thursday, March 1, 2012
The first trimester is NOT so fun.
I hate to complain. I really do. But honestly? The first trimester SUCKS! I feel crappy every minute of everyday. The nausea is constant, even during the night when I'm trying to sleep, so I'm not doing very much of it. I don't actually vomit very often but it's almost worse that I don't.
And the migraines. Are AWFUL. And my skin, my whole back and my shoulders are COVERED in acne. Not just normal pimples, but HUGE cyst like pimples. I'm supposed to be in the bridal party for my brother's wedding at the end of March and I'm DREADING it. I have to wear a strapless dress and I feel so embarrassed of my skin. It looks like I have irritated chicken pox. So gross.
Oh and every time I eat a meal my stomach blows up so big so that I look 6 months pregnant.
And I'm dying to know that my baby is healthy and growing. I have an ultrasound next Wednesday and I will be 7w4d. I think...no, I KNOW, that once I see that little heartbeat that this will all be real for me. And that this crappy first trimester will be so worth it to me. And then, I will do my very best to stop complaining. Promise :)
And the migraines. Are AWFUL. And my skin, my whole back and my shoulders are COVERED in acne. Not just normal pimples, but HUGE cyst like pimples. I'm supposed to be in the bridal party for my brother's wedding at the end of March and I'm DREADING it. I have to wear a strapless dress and I feel so embarrassed of my skin. It looks like I have irritated chicken pox. So gross.
Oh and every time I eat a meal my stomach blows up so big so that I look 6 months pregnant.
And I'm dying to know that my baby is healthy and growing. I have an ultrasound next Wednesday and I will be 7w4d. I think...no, I KNOW, that once I see that little heartbeat that this will all be real for me. And that this crappy first trimester will be so worth it to me. And then, I will do my very best to stop complaining. Promise :)
Wednesday, February 22, 2012
And All Is Still Right In My World...
After my bright red bleeding scare the other night, I thought for sure it was over for me. It happened after Dh and I were fooling around (no penetration) but I orgasmed, had really bad cramping for 30 sec and then went to pee. When I wiped there was bright red blood. I had it for about 30 min and then it tapered down to a spotting. Still, I was scared so I called my doctor and made an appointment for the following day.
That night I started having terrible stomach pains and figured I was definitely miscarrying. But then I went to the bathroom (TMI, #2) which was painful but I felt so much better after and voila! No more cramps.
All bleeding completely stopped as well as cramps after that and I woke up the next day, everything feeling great again. I started to have hope.
I went to the doctor to get my u/s then and he warned that since I was about 5 weeks-ish that I may not see anything. But I did! I was measuring about 5 weeks 3 days and I had a nice little sac with a yolk! My doctor said it was exactly what he hoped to see and it was perfect for where I was at. He also saw no abnormalities whatsoever and said I may have burst a blood vessel in my cervix during orgasm.
While I am a little more nervous than I was before the incident I do feel much more hopeful. He wants me to go back in two weeks to hopefully see our little peanut with a heartbeat and I can't wait!
I slept much better last night. Oh and when I woke up this morning, our little peanut reminded me that he/she is DEFINITELY there because I've been puking all morning and can't stop. But you know what? I'll take it!
That night I started having terrible stomach pains and figured I was definitely miscarrying. But then I went to the bathroom (TMI, #2) which was painful but I felt so much better after and voila! No more cramps.
All bleeding completely stopped as well as cramps after that and I woke up the next day, everything feeling great again. I started to have hope.
I went to the doctor to get my u/s then and he warned that since I was about 5 weeks-ish that I may not see anything. But I did! I was measuring about 5 weeks 3 days and I had a nice little sac with a yolk! My doctor said it was exactly what he hoped to see and it was perfect for where I was at. He also saw no abnormalities whatsoever and said I may have burst a blood vessel in my cervix during orgasm.
While I am a little more nervous than I was before the incident I do feel much more hopeful. He wants me to go back in two weeks to hopefully see our little peanut with a heartbeat and I can't wait!
I slept much better last night. Oh and when I woke up this morning, our little peanut reminded me that he/she is DEFINITELY there because I've been puking all morning and can't stop. But you know what? I'll take it!
Monday, February 20, 2012
Saturday, February 18, 2012
5 Weeks and I'm Still Pregnant!
I think I'm going to celebrate every week, lol. With everyday that comes, I am just so grateful to still be pregnant!
I officially have my first u/s scheduled for Feb. 29 at 1:15pm with my regular OB, who I love. I refuse to start seeing the other doctors in the practice until I reach the 2nd trimester, especially after how cold the doctor was who told me I would miscarry my last pregnancy.
I'm feeling pretty good overall. I have had some nausea at night, horribly sore boobs, but the worst one for me is the acne! Ugh! It's not on my face much really but all over my back and shoulders (and I rarely EVER break out there). It was actually one of the signs that I was pregnant again.
Anyway I took a detect5 progressive pregnancy test at 18dpo and had lines in 25, 100, and 500. And then after it dried it freaked me out a little when I saw lines in 2000 and 10000, because that would be a bit too high. But after using my second one today I realize it was definitely evaps on those two. Today I took one and read it right at 5 min like I was SUPPOSED to the first time, and I have lines at 25, 100, 500, and 2000. Which would still be a little high at 20dpo but nothing to be worried about, just a hopefully nice and sticky bean.
I think my husband is finally starting to feel excited. He has been pretty guarded considering what happened last time. I think he sees me being less stressed and afraid than last time and it helps.
I completely thought that when I got pregnant again after my m/c that I would be freaking out worried everyday. Surprisingly enough, I feel very at peace with whatever happens. I know that I have no control whatsoever on the outcome. All I can do is take care of myself. And stress and worry isn't what our baby wants. So right now, I am happy, excited, and can't wait to see what is to come. :)
I officially have my first u/s scheduled for Feb. 29 at 1:15pm with my regular OB, who I love. I refuse to start seeing the other doctors in the practice until I reach the 2nd trimester, especially after how cold the doctor was who told me I would miscarry my last pregnancy.
I'm feeling pretty good overall. I have had some nausea at night, horribly sore boobs, but the worst one for me is the acne! Ugh! It's not on my face much really but all over my back and shoulders (and I rarely EVER break out there). It was actually one of the signs that I was pregnant again.
Anyway I took a detect5 progressive pregnancy test at 18dpo and had lines in 25, 100, and 500. And then after it dried it freaked me out a little when I saw lines in 2000 and 10000, because that would be a bit too high. But after using my second one today I realize it was definitely evaps on those two. Today I took one and read it right at 5 min like I was SUPPOSED to the first time, and I have lines at 25, 100, 500, and 2000. Which would still be a little high at 20dpo but nothing to be worried about, just a hopefully nice and sticky bean.
I think my husband is finally starting to feel excited. He has been pretty guarded considering what happened last time. I think he sees me being less stressed and afraid than last time and it helps.
I completely thought that when I got pregnant again after my m/c that I would be freaking out worried everyday. Surprisingly enough, I feel very at peace with whatever happens. I know that I have no control whatsoever on the outcome. All I can do is take care of myself. And stress and worry isn't what our baby wants. So right now, I am happy, excited, and can't wait to see what is to come. :)
Wednesday, February 8, 2012
I'm pregnant...again.
So I was right. I'm officially pregnant again. I'm happy, but cautiously. It's sad that having a m/c can take the joy out of getting your BFP, but it does a little. Because things can go either way.
It's crazy that this happened because I did everything WRONG this month. I drank, I smoked, took no vitamins, and I did whatever the hell I wanted for the first time in about a year. We had sex a lot but it wasn't for baby making purposes. I didn't even lay there after with my legs up for 20 min because I got bored after 5 min. I said, fuck it! and I got a BFP? I never even had a normal regular period following my m/c! I just got pregnant when I ovulated right afterwards. I've read a lot of stories about how fertile you are after a m/c but I didn't think it would be that way for me. I mean, we tried to 10 months without fertility meds with nothing but a suspected chemical in August. And then I finally went on Clomid and conceived the second month. Then we lost the baby and I conceive RIGHT away, without trying, without clomid.
It's just a little crazy to me. I always want to tell people to shove it when they tell me, "Relax, it'll happen." but I guess there is some merit to it. That combined with the supposedly being "extra fertile" after your m/c.
Either way, I'm glad. Regardless of what happens, I clearly CAN get pregnant. That's a good thing. This is a wonderful gift and I hope God lets me keep it this time :)
I also want to say that I have so much support from the ladies on TWW and I am very grateful. The fact that many of them are so encouraging and genuinely happy and enthusiastic for others good fortune while struggling themselves says a lot about who they are and I am proud to call them my friends.
It's crazy that this happened because I did everything WRONG this month. I drank, I smoked, took no vitamins, and I did whatever the hell I wanted for the first time in about a year. We had sex a lot but it wasn't for baby making purposes. I didn't even lay there after with my legs up for 20 min because I got bored after 5 min. I said, fuck it! and I got a BFP? I never even had a normal regular period following my m/c! I just got pregnant when I ovulated right afterwards. I've read a lot of stories about how fertile you are after a m/c but I didn't think it would be that way for me. I mean, we tried to 10 months without fertility meds with nothing but a suspected chemical in August. And then I finally went on Clomid and conceived the second month. Then we lost the baby and I conceive RIGHT away, without trying, without clomid.
It's just a little crazy to me. I always want to tell people to shove it when they tell me, "Relax, it'll happen." but I guess there is some merit to it. That combined with the supposedly being "extra fertile" after your m/c.
Either way, I'm glad. Regardless of what happens, I clearly CAN get pregnant. That's a good thing. This is a wonderful gift and I hope God lets me keep it this time :)
I also want to say that I have so much support from the ladies on TWW and I am very grateful. The fact that many of them are so encouraging and genuinely happy and enthusiastic for others good fortune while struggling themselves says a lot about who they are and I am proud to call them my friends.
Monday, February 6, 2012
I just have this feeling...
...that I may be pregnant again. I haven't been over analyzing but I do have the same symptoms I had in my last pregnancy.
I have cramping on both sides, sometimes light, sometimes intense. I also broke out all over my shoulders and chest. My bbs don't hurt but there is the zinging sensation sometimes in my nipples. AND, I've had queasiness, especially in the evenings for the past 2-3 days.
So I caved and tested on cheapies today and there IS something there. I'm either 8 or 9dpo, most likely 8dpo...
Here is a link to my post on tww:
http://www.twoweekwait.com/community/modules.php?name=Forums&file=viewtopic&p=2544273#2544273
All I can do now is just wait and see what happens! Either way, I promise to myself to not get too excited if it IS positive and not get upset if it turns out a fluke. Whatever it is, it is!
I have cramping on both sides, sometimes light, sometimes intense. I also broke out all over my shoulders and chest. My bbs don't hurt but there is the zinging sensation sometimes in my nipples. AND, I've had queasiness, especially in the evenings for the past 2-3 days.
So I caved and tested on cheapies today and there IS something there. I'm either 8 or 9dpo, most likely 8dpo...
Here is a link to my post on tww:
http://www.twoweekwait.com/community/modules.php?name=Forums&file=viewtopic&p=2544273#2544273
All I can do now is just wait and see what happens! Either way, I promise to myself to not get too excited if it IS positive and not get upset if it turns out a fluke. Whatever it is, it is!
Friday, February 3, 2012
My First TWW Post M/C!
So I am officially in my first two week wait since the miscarriage. Today I am either 5 or 6dpo. I'm not expecting to necessarily get pregnant again right away but I also wouldn't be shocked if I did. I've read so many stories of women who got pregnant right after their M/C so I AM a LITTLE hopeful, lol
Ovulation felt very strong and I think I may have ovulated out of both sides. Since ovulation I have just been having some cramping on both sides, kind of like last time when I got pregnant. No other real symptoms though...which is like last time too. So I guess now we just wait and see! I will wait until I am about 10dpo to test since that is when I got my BFP last time.
Oh, one of the girls in a buddy group on twoweekwait got her BFP! It's SO nice to see someone who has been trying many months finally get one. I had been the first in my buddy group since it started to get my BFP but obviously it didn't end well. I hope it means several of the other girls will be getting theirs soon too. :)
Ovulation felt very strong and I think I may have ovulated out of both sides. Since ovulation I have just been having some cramping on both sides, kind of like last time when I got pregnant. No other real symptoms though...which is like last time too. So I guess now we just wait and see! I will wait until I am about 10dpo to test since that is when I got my BFP last time.
Oh, one of the girls in a buddy group on twoweekwait got her BFP! It's SO nice to see someone who has been trying many months finally get one. I had been the first in my buddy group since it started to get my BFP but obviously it didn't end well. I hope it means several of the other girls will be getting theirs soon too. :)
Monday, January 30, 2012
Getting The Magic Back!
I haven't updated for awhile because I've been SO busy actually having a social life for the first time in...forever. And it feels REALLY good, I'm not going to lie.
So the sad stuff first. My grandfather passed away a few days ago. He was my Dad's father and my Dad is really struggling because his mother passed three years earlier and he just doesn't know how to handle it. So I'm sad for that but I also think he is much more at peace now. He has been horribly depressed after my grandmother died and now he is with her.
Now, onto other stuff. I ovulated! And I am pretty sure I did from both sides. Usually I cramp strongly during ovulation on one side but this time it was on both. I got a strong surge on my OPT. I'm super happy that my body seems to be going back to normal.
Also, DH and I have been getting the magic back! It feels like we've been making up for a lot of lost time from not being able to be intimate during the pregnancy (bc I was too nervous) and then through the miscarriage. And now...WOW! To be honest, I've been so consumed with everything TTC and pregnancy that our sex, even though it's always good became a little bit routine. I forgot how much fun it is when you're not worrying about timing and performance anxiety and so on. We've been so laid back about it and have been doing it almost every day or at least every other day. To be honest, I wouldn't be completely shocked if I got pregnant again before my next period even starts, but I'm going to try not to get ahead of myself.
I've also decided that whenever I DO pregnant again, that I'm not going to request a beta the day I get my BFP. And I know my doctor will want me to get at least two done, but unless something seems wrong I'm going to insist on no more. I just think it'll do me some good to be more relaxed next time and to accept that fact that if something bad happens again, then it happens again. Some people have to go through it a few times before they get their miracle and I know God has a plan for us and it's going to be what it's going to be.
In the meantime, I am going to enjoy my new found social life and my sexy husband and just be thankful for all that I have RIGHT NOW. Time to enjoy life in the moment.
So the sad stuff first. My grandfather passed away a few days ago. He was my Dad's father and my Dad is really struggling because his mother passed three years earlier and he just doesn't know how to handle it. So I'm sad for that but I also think he is much more at peace now. He has been horribly depressed after my grandmother died and now he is with her.
Now, onto other stuff. I ovulated! And I am pretty sure I did from both sides. Usually I cramp strongly during ovulation on one side but this time it was on both. I got a strong surge on my OPT. I'm super happy that my body seems to be going back to normal.
Also, DH and I have been getting the magic back! It feels like we've been making up for a lot of lost time from not being able to be intimate during the pregnancy (bc I was too nervous) and then through the miscarriage. And now...WOW! To be honest, I've been so consumed with everything TTC and pregnancy that our sex, even though it's always good became a little bit routine. I forgot how much fun it is when you're not worrying about timing and performance anxiety and so on. We've been so laid back about it and have been doing it almost every day or at least every other day. To be honest, I wouldn't be completely shocked if I got pregnant again before my next period even starts, but I'm going to try not to get ahead of myself.
I've also decided that whenever I DO pregnant again, that I'm not going to request a beta the day I get my BFP. And I know my doctor will want me to get at least two done, but unless something seems wrong I'm going to insist on no more. I just think it'll do me some good to be more relaxed next time and to accept that fact that if something bad happens again, then it happens again. Some people have to go through it a few times before they get their miracle and I know God has a plan for us and it's going to be what it's going to be.
In the meantime, I am going to enjoy my new found social life and my sexy husband and just be thankful for all that I have RIGHT NOW. Time to enjoy life in the moment.
Monday, January 23, 2012
Am I ever going to ovulate!?
Ok, so when we found out that the baby had stopped growing I started the misoprostal on Wednesday, January 4th. I bled for 3 days until I was admitted to the hospital for bad infection due to incomplete miscarriage and then they performed the emergency D&C on Sunday, January 8th.
Without fertility meds I ovulate about my 16th or 17th day of my cycle. SO far all my ovulation tests are negative and I'm just wondering when it's going to happen. I did take a pregnancy test about 5 days ago and there was still a faint line, but I'm sure it's out by now...
I really hope I ovulate soon....and then get my period soon! I want to start trying for real again! I almost feel lost without having anything pregnancy or TTC related...
Without fertility meds I ovulate about my 16th or 17th day of my cycle. SO far all my ovulation tests are negative and I'm just wondering when it's going to happen. I did take a pregnancy test about 5 days ago and there was still a faint line, but I'm sure it's out by now...
I really hope I ovulate soon....and then get my period soon! I want to start trying for real again! I almost feel lost without having anything pregnancy or TTC related...
Getting My Life Back.
Lately, I've been going out more than I have in years and it's really helping to keep my mind off of everything. I joined meetup.com and went to a couples meet up group and had a ton of fun.
My husband and I joined a crappy bowling league with my little brother and his fiance and it's tons of fun. We went out Saturday night with a bunch of friends that we are constantly making plans with, and then breaking them, and am so glad now we went.
And, one of the couples from the meetup group invited us out for drinks next Friday. I forgot how much I love being social and during this journey I've put off having fun because I've been so consumed with trying to conceive. It's like I've forgotten who I am. Now, I'm feeling better than I have in a long time.
Oh, I've also been doing a ton of baking and I have to share this one recipe with you guys. I made these oreo cupcakes that came out GREAT! It's a vanilla cupcake with big chunks of oreo baked in, with a cookie on the bottom and a delicious cream cheese frosting. It's AMAZING!
Here are some photos, and below I have linked to the recipe if you are interested. They are great and pretty easy to make.
And here's the link to the recipe: http://www.beantownbaker.com/2010/04/oreo-cupcakes-third-time-is-charm.html
My husband and I joined a crappy bowling league with my little brother and his fiance and it's tons of fun. We went out Saturday night with a bunch of friends that we are constantly making plans with, and then breaking them, and am so glad now we went.
And, one of the couples from the meetup group invited us out for drinks next Friday. I forgot how much I love being social and during this journey I've put off having fun because I've been so consumed with trying to conceive. It's like I've forgotten who I am. Now, I'm feeling better than I have in a long time.
Oh, I've also been doing a ton of baking and I have to share this one recipe with you guys. I made these oreo cupcakes that came out GREAT! It's a vanilla cupcake with big chunks of oreo baked in, with a cookie on the bottom and a delicious cream cheese frosting. It's AMAZING!
Here are some photos, and below I have linked to the recipe if you are interested. They are great and pretty easy to make.
And here's the link to the recipe: http://www.beantownbaker.com/2010/04/oreo-cupcakes-third-time-is-charm.html
Thursday, January 19, 2012
All Clear!
So I went to see Dr. Crider for my follow-up from surgery and to discuss future plans and it went very well. He was very kind and compassionate about everything I went through and it just felt nice to have someone acknowledge what I went through.
Because I haven't seen him in so long (since they insisted I see all the doctors once I was pregnant because you never know who will be on call) I had to recite everything that happened and it was pretty emotional.
But, the good news. He gave us the go ahead to have sex again, which my husband is surely thrilled about. It's kinda been awhile. He wants me to wait two months before starting clomid again, but said we could have sex around ovulation and if it happens, it happens and obviously was meant to. He said when they tell you to wait 3 months, it's due more to dating issues since your cycle can become a little wonky.
So tomorrow I am taking a spa day (Christmas gift from my husband) and getting myself a wax and going to spend the evening with my love! It's going to be a perfect Friday :)
Because I haven't seen him in so long (since they insisted I see all the doctors once I was pregnant because you never know who will be on call) I had to recite everything that happened and it was pretty emotional.
But, the good news. He gave us the go ahead to have sex again, which my husband is surely thrilled about. It's kinda been awhile. He wants me to wait two months before starting clomid again, but said we could have sex around ovulation and if it happens, it happens and obviously was meant to. He said when they tell you to wait 3 months, it's due more to dating issues since your cycle can become a little wonky.
So tomorrow I am taking a spa day (Christmas gift from my husband) and getting myself a wax and going to spend the evening with my love! It's going to be a perfect Friday :)
Monday, January 16, 2012
It gets better.
It really does! On Saturday evening we even went out to a bar for a meetup group and I had such a nice time. The girls saw all the bruises on my arms and wrists (from the IV's...I bruised like CRAZY) and asked me if everything was OK. I told them how I was in the hospital (because I don't want them to think my husband beats me) and then with more questions I just explained about having an infection from miscarriage. I didn't really want to tell people but it kind of felt good to get it out. And luckily no one made any dumb comments or "helpful" remarks.
So I actually had fun. I realized how much getting out and socializing really helps me. It would be so much easier to sink back into my hole of despair but it doesn't do me much good.
I even talked to my older brother today, who has a fiance with almost the same due date I would have had if I didn't miscarry. Privately, I've been really resentful of them. But today I made nice and talked names with my brother. It's still not easy but I AM feeling much better.
Tonight I'm going bowling with my husband, parents, my younger brother and his fiance, and another couple and I think it's going to be a good time.
My next doctors appointment is on Wednesday at 10:30am with the doctor who helped me get pregnant, Dr. Crider. I'm hoping he will tell me that we can start trying with my next regular cycle. I need that.
I took a pregnancy test last night since I was curious if anything is left in my system. I mean, I did the misoprostal, THEN had a D&C, and have barely had any bleeding for the past 3 days. It was STILL positive though, even if faintly so. It's the only time I've not wanted to see a positive. Based on how faint it was though I'm thinking the pregnancy hormone should be gone in the next few days.
So I actually had fun. I realized how much getting out and socializing really helps me. It would be so much easier to sink back into my hole of despair but it doesn't do me much good.
I even talked to my older brother today, who has a fiance with almost the same due date I would have had if I didn't miscarry. Privately, I've been really resentful of them. But today I made nice and talked names with my brother. It's still not easy but I AM feeling much better.
Tonight I'm going bowling with my husband, parents, my younger brother and his fiance, and another couple and I think it's going to be a good time.
My next doctors appointment is on Wednesday at 10:30am with the doctor who helped me get pregnant, Dr. Crider. I'm hoping he will tell me that we can start trying with my next regular cycle. I need that.
I took a pregnancy test last night since I was curious if anything is left in my system. I mean, I did the misoprostal, THEN had a D&C, and have barely had any bleeding for the past 3 days. It was STILL positive though, even if faintly so. It's the only time I've not wanted to see a positive. Based on how faint it was though I'm thinking the pregnancy hormone should be gone in the next few days.
Friday, January 13, 2012
Ok, I'm ready now.
Last night I decided. I'm done with this unhappiness. No more moping, no more crying, no more thinking about what could have been.
For me, it's time to move on and move forward. I FINALLY started physically feeling better yesterday evening and it has done wonders for my mood.
Everything could be so much worse and I have be be thankful for the facts. I got pregnant. It may have taken a year but it DID happen. The clomid helped and it may very well help do the trick this next time.
I'm seeing my doctor Wednesday next week to discuss our next steps and I am praying he gives us the go ahead to try again after my regular cycle begins. I don't want to wait several months. I've been reading so many stories about TTC after a miscarriage and there are SO many who conceived with a healthy pregnancy just a month or two after the m/c.
This gives me hope and it feels so good.
For me, it's time to move on and move forward. I FINALLY started physically feeling better yesterday evening and it has done wonders for my mood.
Everything could be so much worse and I have be be thankful for the facts. I got pregnant. It may have taken a year but it DID happen. The clomid helped and it may very well help do the trick this next time.
I'm seeing my doctor Wednesday next week to discuss our next steps and I am praying he gives us the go ahead to try again after my regular cycle begins. I don't want to wait several months. I've been reading so many stories about TTC after a miscarriage and there are SO many who conceived with a healthy pregnancy just a month or two after the m/c.
This gives me hope and it feels so good.
Thursday, January 12, 2012
I Lied.
I lied. I'm not okay. I feel horrible actually.
I have never felt such ugly feelings before. Every time I sign into Facebook, I want to scream. My entire timeline is filled with pregnancy announcements, ultrasound photos, new baby pictures. And I want to scream.
There's one particular person who I am harboring so much resentment for and it's just so ugly. I don't like the girl and she's going to be a part of our family one day. So someone in my family loves her and she got pregnant accidentally. Didn't even want it. She knows I've been in the process of miscarrying. The same day I begin bleeding out my baby (which she KNOWS) she begins posting u/s photos all over facebook, talking about how strong and healthy her baby is. She continues everyday, writing facebook notes about it.
She has every right to be happy. It's not HER fault I lost my baby and she didn't. I just feel like it's rubbed in my face. I'm probably just being over sensitive, but OH WELL. These are ugly thoughts and I'm ashamed to have them, but I need to be honest with myself.
I'm tired of feeling like crap. If it's not one thing, it's another. How can I heal emotionally when physically I feel awful?
Last night I punched the wall. I had a total freakout. I'm not going into detail of what was wrong physically because it's all just gross and I don't want to think about it anymore. But I was in very bad pain and felt like I was going to die. My poor husband followed me around as I stomped throughout the bedroom and bathroom, crying hysterically, screaming and yelling at nothing, and all around just looking like a crazy person.
He was trying so hard to calm me down and make me feel better. The man is a freaking saint. I finally popped a pain pill and laid down. And I was shocked when I woke a few hours later meaning I actually got some sleep.
I don't even know where I am going with any of this...I just am going to pray for a little bit of mercy to stop some of this pain so I can move on with my life. Please, please, please...
I have never felt such ugly feelings before. Every time I sign into Facebook, I want to scream. My entire timeline is filled with pregnancy announcements, ultrasound photos, new baby pictures. And I want to scream.
There's one particular person who I am harboring so much resentment for and it's just so ugly. I don't like the girl and she's going to be a part of our family one day. So someone in my family loves her and she got pregnant accidentally. Didn't even want it. She knows I've been in the process of miscarrying. The same day I begin bleeding out my baby (which she KNOWS) she begins posting u/s photos all over facebook, talking about how strong and healthy her baby is. She continues everyday, writing facebook notes about it.
She has every right to be happy. It's not HER fault I lost my baby and she didn't. I just feel like it's rubbed in my face. I'm probably just being over sensitive, but OH WELL. These are ugly thoughts and I'm ashamed to have them, but I need to be honest with myself.
I'm tired of feeling like crap. If it's not one thing, it's another. How can I heal emotionally when physically I feel awful?
Last night I punched the wall. I had a total freakout. I'm not going into detail of what was wrong physically because it's all just gross and I don't want to think about it anymore. But I was in very bad pain and felt like I was going to die. My poor husband followed me around as I stomped throughout the bedroom and bathroom, crying hysterically, screaming and yelling at nothing, and all around just looking like a crazy person.
He was trying so hard to calm me down and make me feel better. The man is a freaking saint. I finally popped a pain pill and laid down. And I was shocked when I woke a few hours later meaning I actually got some sleep.
I don't even know where I am going with any of this...I just am going to pray for a little bit of mercy to stop some of this pain so I can move on with my life. Please, please, please...
Tuesday, January 10, 2012
My Nightmare Hospital Ordeal & Emergency D&C
When I started the misoprostal on Wednesday to help me begin to miscarry I thought my whole ordeal was about to be on the way to being over. I was bleeding, passing clots, all normal in a miscarriage. Then on Saturday evening, things went horribly, horribly wrong.
I began vomiting around 10pm. And I mean violently vomiting. By 3am, I had vomited 20+ times and had a fever of 100. It was time to go to the ER.
We made the mistake of going to our local little emergency room at a small hospital around the corner. HUGE mistake. We waited for 30 in a room before anyone would even bring me blanket. No one took my temp. I explained that I knew I was miscarrying but started days prior and had no idea if this was related. 6 hours later, I can barely walk, I am painfully feverish, vomiting nonstop, worst diarrhea of my life. They tell me there is nothing they can do for me there and are transferring me via ambulance to the large Orlando hospital that my Ob/Gyn office is affiliated with.
2 hours later they finally take my temperature and it's almost 104. I am STILL at the crappy little hospital. Let me also say that at this point I have not received one single iota of compassion from any doctor or nurse. When I couldn't walk anymore I begged for a bedpan to urinate it. Nurse refused because she didn't want to clean anything. I finally flip out and tell them that if they don't transfer me within 30 min I am going home and whatever happens to me is on them. The doctor is rude and horrible. All I want to do is go home.
The ambulance finally arrives and I am buckled into the stretcher. Right before they have drugged me up so much that I barely have an idea of where I am. Some thirty minutes later we arrive at the hospital.
At the larger hospital everything is different. I am put in the high risk perinatal section and the nurses are kind, sympathetic, and compassionate. I see one of the doctors from my practice and he disappoints me very much. He is not my regular doctor there but I HAVE seen him and he in fact did my last two ultrasounds and put me on the misoprostal. He is convinced my sickness has NOTHING to do with my miscarriage and that I am either sick with the flu or food poisoning. Well, I test negative for the flu. And there is no way it's from food poisoning. Everyone in my family ate the SAME exact things I ate. No one else was sick. It was like he was ignoring me. He said he'd order an ultrasound.
8 hours later I am STILL waiting for my ultrasound. Finally at 10:30pm I am brought down to get my u/s. It shows there is still a little tissue remaining in my uterus.
At 11:30pm another doctor from my practice comes on duty and comes to see me. This is when things finally began to change. Before Dr. Hill in, he obviously read my file. He sat on the end my bed, patted my knee and said how sorry he was for my loss. Do you know that is the FIRST time any doctor told me that since I found out I would miscarry? He said he reviewed the u/s and there is some tissue left but not a lot. But then he said he wanted to do a pelvic exam and if he could actually feel the tissue he wanted to do a D&C because he was worried about how sick I was. He found my cervix closed and felt tissue stuck in there. Because of all my symptoms, he said he thinks I have an infection due to an incomplete miscarriage. My fever at this point is 103.
One hour later I am being prepped for surgery. My husband is standing beside me and right before they roll me into the room and I begin sobbing. He looks at me with tears in his eyes, tells me he loves me, and that he'll be right there when I get out.
I wake up about an hour and a half later. Already my fever is down to 99. I am groggy and out of it but so glad it's over. My husband stays with me until I am brought back to my room to sleep for the night. I was up to Dr. Hill checking on me at 6:30am to tell me that since my fever has continuously gone down immediately following the operation that it obvious to them it was infection. Part of the placenta was still inside me causing it. But he said the surgery went well and there should be no reason I can't get pregnant again. I just want to say I am extremely grateful to Dr. Hill. His kindness and compassion makes him a wonderful doctor. Instead of making me wait longer, he took me seriously and acted immediately.
At 5pm the next day I am finally discharged. My fever has stayed at 98.6 since surgery. They tried to make me stay the night for more observation, but I refused. I was done. I was ready to go home.
I am so utterly exhausted by everything I went though. It's so hard to heal emotionally when you're going through such crazy stuff physically. All I can take from this is that I am a stronger person for getting through it. I refuse to let all of this keep me down.
I will get pregnant again. We will get our take down home baby and that family we want so badly. I have faith.
I began vomiting around 10pm. And I mean violently vomiting. By 3am, I had vomited 20+ times and had a fever of 100. It was time to go to the ER.
We made the mistake of going to our local little emergency room at a small hospital around the corner. HUGE mistake. We waited for 30 in a room before anyone would even bring me blanket. No one took my temp. I explained that I knew I was miscarrying but started days prior and had no idea if this was related. 6 hours later, I can barely walk, I am painfully feverish, vomiting nonstop, worst diarrhea of my life. They tell me there is nothing they can do for me there and are transferring me via ambulance to the large Orlando hospital that my Ob/Gyn office is affiliated with.
2 hours later they finally take my temperature and it's almost 104. I am STILL at the crappy little hospital. Let me also say that at this point I have not received one single iota of compassion from any doctor or nurse. When I couldn't walk anymore I begged for a bedpan to urinate it. Nurse refused because she didn't want to clean anything. I finally flip out and tell them that if they don't transfer me within 30 min I am going home and whatever happens to me is on them. The doctor is rude and horrible. All I want to do is go home.
The ambulance finally arrives and I am buckled into the stretcher. Right before they have drugged me up so much that I barely have an idea of where I am. Some thirty minutes later we arrive at the hospital.
At the larger hospital everything is different. I am put in the high risk perinatal section and the nurses are kind, sympathetic, and compassionate. I see one of the doctors from my practice and he disappoints me very much. He is not my regular doctor there but I HAVE seen him and he in fact did my last two ultrasounds and put me on the misoprostal. He is convinced my sickness has NOTHING to do with my miscarriage and that I am either sick with the flu or food poisoning. Well, I test negative for the flu. And there is no way it's from food poisoning. Everyone in my family ate the SAME exact things I ate. No one else was sick. It was like he was ignoring me. He said he'd order an ultrasound.
8 hours later I am STILL waiting for my ultrasound. Finally at 10:30pm I am brought down to get my u/s. It shows there is still a little tissue remaining in my uterus.
At 11:30pm another doctor from my practice comes on duty and comes to see me. This is when things finally began to change. Before Dr. Hill in, he obviously read my file. He sat on the end my bed, patted my knee and said how sorry he was for my loss. Do you know that is the FIRST time any doctor told me that since I found out I would miscarry? He said he reviewed the u/s and there is some tissue left but not a lot. But then he said he wanted to do a pelvic exam and if he could actually feel the tissue he wanted to do a D&C because he was worried about how sick I was. He found my cervix closed and felt tissue stuck in there. Because of all my symptoms, he said he thinks I have an infection due to an incomplete miscarriage. My fever at this point is 103.
One hour later I am being prepped for surgery. My husband is standing beside me and right before they roll me into the room and I begin sobbing. He looks at me with tears in his eyes, tells me he loves me, and that he'll be right there when I get out.
I wake up about an hour and a half later. Already my fever is down to 99. I am groggy and out of it but so glad it's over. My husband stays with me until I am brought back to my room to sleep for the night. I was up to Dr. Hill checking on me at 6:30am to tell me that since my fever has continuously gone down immediately following the operation that it obvious to them it was infection. Part of the placenta was still inside me causing it. But he said the surgery went well and there should be no reason I can't get pregnant again. I just want to say I am extremely grateful to Dr. Hill. His kindness and compassion makes him a wonderful doctor. Instead of making me wait longer, he took me seriously and acted immediately.
At 5pm the next day I am finally discharged. My fever has stayed at 98.6 since surgery. They tried to make me stay the night for more observation, but I refused. I was done. I was ready to go home.
I am so utterly exhausted by everything I went though. It's so hard to heal emotionally when you're going through such crazy stuff physically. All I can take from this is that I am a stronger person for getting through it. I refuse to let all of this keep me down.
I will get pregnant again. We will get our take down home baby and that family we want so badly. I have faith.
Saturday, January 7, 2012
Where do you get your support?
For some reason, talking about infertility and miscarriage is so taboo. Nobody talks about it, even though we are desperate for the support. Through my journey I've really struggled and needed somewhere to go, so...I went to the internet. I found this great website called TwoWeekWait (www.twoweekwait.com). Two week wait refers to the time in between ovulation and your period...waiting to find out if you're pregnant. On there I found some truly wonderful and strong women who are always there for me, no matter what. They know what it is like to struggle, they have experienced miracles themselves, and they also know the devastation of loss. You can ask ANY question...it doesn't matter how gross it is. And believe me, with TTC and pregnancy, there are A LOT of gross questions to be asked. And they are answered without judgement, with humor, and most of all, understanding. I'm so grateful to have these people to go to during my times of need. Throughout my pregnancy and my loss, I knew that I always had somewhere to go. And when I needed a break for a week, they were OK with that too. I may have never met them in person, but I consider these people friends. I think they'd say the same for me :)
Anyway, now for an update on how I'm feeling. I'm still really struggling today. The past two days have been filled with lots of cramping and heavy bleeding. I've been doing really good emotionally but had a little bit of a small breakdown last night. My husband and I were laying together in bed and he was stroking my hair and my face. I told him how I can't help thinking of that the early baby gifts my parents bought us, with lots of cute little ducky onesies, and soft little baby blankets and how thinking of them makes me sad because in my mind I could see our baby wearing them. As usual I started crying while he comforted me. It's hard when you're healing well emotionally but physically your body is so far behind. It makes it really hard to separate your feelings on everything. I will say I am so grateful for the support and love of my husband. Throughout this whole process he has been there for me. He's always there to comfort me, hold me when I'm sad, cry with me when I need a good cry. It's really hard on him too yet he puts all his strength into making me feel better. I feel incredibly lucky for having such a strong and loving husband and such a wonderful marriage. In times like this, it's important to remember what you DO have and to remember that I'm STILL lucky.
Anyway, now for an update on how I'm feeling. I'm still really struggling today. The past two days have been filled with lots of cramping and heavy bleeding. I've been doing really good emotionally but had a little bit of a small breakdown last night. My husband and I were laying together in bed and he was stroking my hair and my face. I told him how I can't help thinking of that the early baby gifts my parents bought us, with lots of cute little ducky onesies, and soft little baby blankets and how thinking of them makes me sad because in my mind I could see our baby wearing them. As usual I started crying while he comforted me. It's hard when you're healing well emotionally but physically your body is so far behind. It makes it really hard to separate your feelings on everything. I will say I am so grateful for the support and love of my husband. Throughout this whole process he has been there for me. He's always there to comfort me, hold me when I'm sad, cry with me when I need a good cry. It's really hard on him too yet he puts all his strength into making me feel better. I feel incredibly lucky for having such a strong and loving husband and such a wonderful marriage. In times like this, it's important to remember what you DO have and to remember that I'm STILL lucky.
Friday, January 6, 2012
My TTC Journey So Far
My name is Kellie and my last name is Pizza. Yes, Pizza. It's delicious, cheesy and also happens to be my last name (Thank you for that, dear husband). My husband, Theo and I have officially been trying to conceive since March 2011. It hasn't been an easy process. Every month of BFN's was another month of heart ache. Then on November 29, 2011, the unthinkable happened! Theo and I had just returned from visiting family in PA for Thanksgiving. I was 10dpo and finally decided to test that month. It was my 2nd round of clomid. I tested expecting another BFN. I expected that so much that I tested, barely glanced at it, and went back to bed for an hour. When I woke up I went to let our puppies, Dexter & Emmie outside and brought the test with me. As I looked at it outside I almost lost my balance. There was a second line! It was faint, but it was there! I was in shock. I waited 3 more hours and peed on another test. This time I used Answer brand instead of First Response (FRER). And it popped up right away! My husband was putting our star atop of our Christmas tree when I told him. He almost fell off! The joy we both felt in that moment was incredible and I will never forget that feeling.
Fast forward to December 22, 2011. On this day I am 6w6d pregnant. Theo and I are at my doctors appointment for my first ultrasound. I have been so sick everyday with lots of pregnancy symptoms. We know that by this time we should be seeing a heartbeat. I am nervous but I feel like everything is going to be OK. Seeing our baby's heartbeat will be the greatest Christmas gift we ever get and we can't wait to finally call all of our family afterwards. I have daydreamed about this moment with my husband, when we see that flicker and we look at each other. That moment we will have where we feel each others excitement, love, and happiness all that the same time. But that moment doesn't happen. I am numb as the doctor tells me he is only seeing a gestastional sac and that I'm only measuring 4 1/2 weeks. He suggests that I have mixed up my dates. I haven't. Immediately I start crying. I know in my heart what this probably means. I am hysterical, devastated, and inconsolable. The doctor says this can go either way. He wants me to come back in 2 weeks for another u/s to see if it's grown. He says it's not over. I know in my heart that it is. My husband has to help me walk out because I can barely hold myself up. As I walk out I see the looks of pity from the pregnant women in the waiting room. I am dizzy, sobbing, a mess.
For the next week and a half I am devastated. I put on a brave face for the holidays but cry in bed when I get home. My older brother and his fiance announce they are pregnant. They didn't even want this. They aren't even happy. My husband is upset with me, thinking everything is still OK, that I am giving up. My pregnancy symptoms are still there, but I can feel them begin to subside. The night before New Years Eve, I go to use the bathroom. When I wipe, there is blood. It goes away. Two nights later, the same thing. Blood when I wipe. It goes away again. When I see the blood the first time, I know for sure. I call my husband in. He sees the blood and immediately breaks down for the first time. He is hysterical and sobbing , saying how sorry he is. He falls to his knees and hugs me while I still sit on the toilet. We hold each other, my heart breaking into a million little pieces.
Two days later I finally go in for my follow-up ultrasound. I do not even shed a tear as the doctor tell me that my sac has grown, there is a placenta, and everything looks great except for the fact that there is no baby. He calls it a missed miscarriage. He writes me a prescriptions for misoprostol.
That next morning I take the meds and begin the miscarriage process. The cramps are painful and the bleeding is heavy, but I stay strong.
Today is day 3 since I took the pills. I am still bleeding but feeling much better. My doctor said we can start trying again whenever we feel ready. We plan to start the clomid again with my first regular cycle.
This blog is going to document our journey TTC. There are going to be some tough times but what I am excited for is those wonderful times. And I KNOW we will have them. Going through this whole process helped me to realize how strong I am and how solid and strong my marriage is. And I have a feeling that very soon we will have our own little pizza in the oven <3
Fast forward to December 22, 2011. On this day I am 6w6d pregnant. Theo and I are at my doctors appointment for my first ultrasound. I have been so sick everyday with lots of pregnancy symptoms. We know that by this time we should be seeing a heartbeat. I am nervous but I feel like everything is going to be OK. Seeing our baby's heartbeat will be the greatest Christmas gift we ever get and we can't wait to finally call all of our family afterwards. I have daydreamed about this moment with my husband, when we see that flicker and we look at each other. That moment we will have where we feel each others excitement, love, and happiness all that the same time. But that moment doesn't happen. I am numb as the doctor tells me he is only seeing a gestastional sac and that I'm only measuring 4 1/2 weeks. He suggests that I have mixed up my dates. I haven't. Immediately I start crying. I know in my heart what this probably means. I am hysterical, devastated, and inconsolable. The doctor says this can go either way. He wants me to come back in 2 weeks for another u/s to see if it's grown. He says it's not over. I know in my heart that it is. My husband has to help me walk out because I can barely hold myself up. As I walk out I see the looks of pity from the pregnant women in the waiting room. I am dizzy, sobbing, a mess.
For the next week and a half I am devastated. I put on a brave face for the holidays but cry in bed when I get home. My older brother and his fiance announce they are pregnant. They didn't even want this. They aren't even happy. My husband is upset with me, thinking everything is still OK, that I am giving up. My pregnancy symptoms are still there, but I can feel them begin to subside. The night before New Years Eve, I go to use the bathroom. When I wipe, there is blood. It goes away. Two nights later, the same thing. Blood when I wipe. It goes away again. When I see the blood the first time, I know for sure. I call my husband in. He sees the blood and immediately breaks down for the first time. He is hysterical and sobbing , saying how sorry he is. He falls to his knees and hugs me while I still sit on the toilet. We hold each other, my heart breaking into a million little pieces.
Two days later I finally go in for my follow-up ultrasound. I do not even shed a tear as the doctor tell me that my sac has grown, there is a placenta, and everything looks great except for the fact that there is no baby. He calls it a missed miscarriage. He writes me a prescriptions for misoprostol.
That next morning I take the meds and begin the miscarriage process. The cramps are painful and the bleeding is heavy, but I stay strong.
Today is day 3 since I took the pills. I am still bleeding but feeling much better. My doctor said we can start trying again whenever we feel ready. We plan to start the clomid again with my first regular cycle.
This blog is going to document our journey TTC. There are going to be some tough times but what I am excited for is those wonderful times. And I KNOW we will have them. Going through this whole process helped me to realize how strong I am and how solid and strong my marriage is. And I have a feeling that very soon we will have our own little pizza in the oven <3
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