I lied. I'm not okay. I feel horrible actually.
I have never felt such ugly feelings before. Every time I sign into Facebook, I want to scream. My entire timeline is filled with pregnancy announcements, ultrasound photos, new baby pictures. And I want to scream.
There's one particular person who I am harboring so much resentment for and it's just so ugly. I don't like the girl and she's going to be a part of our family one day. So someone in my family loves her and she got pregnant accidentally. Didn't even want it. She knows I've been in the process of miscarrying. The same day I begin bleeding out my baby (which she KNOWS) she begins posting u/s photos all over facebook, talking about how strong and healthy her baby is. She continues everyday, writing facebook notes about it.
She has every right to be happy. It's not HER fault I lost my baby and she didn't. I just feel like it's rubbed in my face. I'm probably just being over sensitive, but OH WELL. These are ugly thoughts and I'm ashamed to have them, but I need to be honest with myself.
I'm tired of feeling like crap. If it's not one thing, it's another. How can I heal emotionally when physically I feel awful?
Last night I punched the wall. I had a total freakout. I'm not going into detail of what was wrong physically because it's all just gross and I don't want to think about it anymore. But I was in very bad pain and felt like I was going to die. My poor husband followed me around as I stomped throughout the bedroom and bathroom, crying hysterically, screaming and yelling at nothing, and all around just looking like a crazy person.
He was trying so hard to calm me down and make me feel better. The man is a freaking saint. I finally popped a pain pill and laid down. And I was shocked when I woke a few hours later meaning I actually got some sleep.
I don't even know where I am going with any of this...I just am going to pray for a little bit of mercy to stop some of this pain so I can move on with my life. Please, please, please...
Kellie, I am so, so sorry for your loss. I can't even begin to imagine your pain. I can't even think of anything to say to make you feel better, but I will send a virtual hug your way.
ReplyDeleteXOXO
I am so sorry for your pain...unfortunately, I know how it feels to go through a miscarriage. Just remember easy on yourself and remember everyone grieves differently. There is no right or wrong way. A tip my therapist gave me was to make sure I stay hydrated. She suggested when I start a meltdown to stop and take a sip of water. I was really surprised when it worked! *hugs* Thinking of you. Kelly
ReplyDeleteThanks ladies <3
ReplyDeleteEveryone handles these situations differently. The pain will get less as days go by. Time is an amazing healer. You WILL get back to some "normalcy" but for now it's okay to grieve. It's okay to have breakdowns and it's okay to be pissed/jealous of healthy pregnancies. I felt the same way when I had my chemical pregnancy. Hopped on FB just to see that my friend had just found out she was pregnant and 3 days behind me. I was so upset that I had to now watch her pregnancy progress and watch mine just dissolve. It is so heartbreaking that these things have to happen. But just remember that God is with you. He will heal your heart and you will move on to get that healthy baby you deserve. I'm telling you, I know your pain. Hang in there!
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