My TTC Journey So Far

My name is Kellie and my last name is Pizza.  Yes, Pizza.  It's delicious, cheesy and also happens to be my last name (Thank you for that, dear husband).  My husband, Theo and I have officially been trying to conceive since March 2011.  It hasn't been an easy process.  Every month of BFN's was another month of heart ache.  Then on November 29, 2011, the unthinkable happened!  Theo and I had just returned from visiting family in PA for Thanksgiving.  I was 10dpo and finally decided to test that month.  It was my 2nd round of clomid.  I tested expecting another BFN.  I expected that so much that I tested, barely glanced at it, and went back to bed for an hour.  When I woke up I went to let our puppies, Dexter & Emmie outside and brought the test with me.  As I looked at it outside I almost lost my balance.  There was a second line!  It was faint, but it was there!  I was in shock.  I waited 3 more hours and peed on another test.  This time I used Answer brand instead of First Response (FRER).  And it popped up right away!  My husband was putting our star atop of our Christmas tree when I told him.  He almost fell off!  The joy we both felt in that moment was incredible and I will never forget that feeling.

Fast forward to December 22, 2011.  On this day I am 6w6d pregnant.  Theo and I are at my doctors appointment for my first ultrasound.  I have been so sick everyday with lots of pregnancy symptoms.  We know that by this time we should be seeing a heartbeat.  I am nervous but I feel like everything is going to be OK.  Seeing our baby's heartbeat will be the greatest Christmas gift we ever get and we can't wait to finally call all of our family afterwards.  I have daydreamed about this moment with my husband, when we see that flicker and we look at each other.  That moment we will have where we feel each others excitement, love, and happiness all that the same time.  But that moment doesn't happen.  I am numb as the doctor tells me he is only seeing a gestastional sac and that I'm only measuring 4 1/2 weeks.  He suggests that I have mixed up my dates.  I haven't.  Immediately I start crying.  I know in my heart what this probably means.  I am hysterical, devastated, and inconsolable.  The doctor says this can go either way.  He wants me to come back in 2 weeks for another u/s to see if it's grown.  He says it's not over.  I know in my heart that it is.  My husband has to help me walk out because I can barely hold myself up.  As I walk out I see the looks of pity from the pregnant women in the waiting room.  I am dizzy, sobbing, a mess.

For the next week and a half I am devastated.  I put on a brave face for the holidays but cry in bed when I get home.  My older brother and his fiance announce they are pregnant.  They didn't even want this.  They aren't even happy.  My husband is upset with me, thinking everything is still OK, that I am giving up.  My pregnancy symptoms are still there, but I can feel them begin to subside.  The night before New Years Eve, I go to use the bathroom.  When I wipe, there is blood.  It goes away.  Two nights later, the same thing.  Blood when I wipe.  It goes away again.  When I see the blood the first time, I know for sure.  I call my husband in.  He sees the blood and immediately breaks down for the first time.  He is hysterical and sobbing , saying how sorry he is.  He falls to his knees and hugs me while I still sit on the toilet.  We hold each other, my heart breaking into a million little pieces. 

Two days later I finally go in for my follow-up ultrasound.  I do not even shed a tear as the doctor tell me that my sac has grown, there is a placenta, and everything looks great except for the fact that there is no baby.  He calls it a missed miscarriage.  He writes me a prescriptions for misoprostol.

That next morning I take the meds and begin the miscarriage process.  The cramps are painful and the bleeding is heavy, but I stay strong.

Today is day 3 since I took the pills.  I am still bleeding but feeling much better.  My doctor said we can start trying again whenever we feel ready.  We plan to start the clomid again with my first regular cycle.

This blog is going to document our journey TTC.  There are going to be some tough times but what I am excited for is those wonderful times.  And I KNOW we will have them.  Going through this whole process helped me to realize how strong I am and how solid and strong my marriage is.  And I have a feeling that very soon we will have our own little pizza in the oven <3