Getting The Magic Back!

I haven't updated for awhile because I've been SO busy actually having a social life for the first time in...forever. And it feels REALLY good, I'm not going to lie.

So the sad stuff first. My grandfather passed away a few days ago. He was my Dad's father and my Dad is really struggling because his mother passed three years earlier and he just doesn't know how to handle it. So I'm sad for that but I also think he is much more at peace now. He has been horribly depressed after my grandmother died and now he is with her.

Now, onto other stuff. I ovulated! And I am pretty sure I did from both sides. Usually I cramp strongly during ovulation on one side but this time it was on both. I got a strong surge on my OPT. I'm super happy that my body seems to be going back to normal.

Also, DH and I have been getting the magic back! It feels like we've been making up for a lot of lost time from not being able to be intimate during the pregnancy (bc I was too nervous) and then through the miscarriage. And now...WOW! To be honest, I've been so consumed with everything TTC and pregnancy that our sex, even though it's always good became a little bit routine. I forgot how much fun it is when you're not worrying about timing and performance anxiety and so on. We've been so laid back about it and have been doing it almost every day or at least every other day. To be honest, I wouldn't be completely shocked if I got pregnant again before my next period even starts, but I'm going to try not to get ahead of myself.

I've also decided that whenever I DO pregnant again, that I'm not going to request a beta the day I get my BFP. And I know my doctor will want me to get at least two done, but unless something seems wrong I'm going to insist on no more. I just think it'll do me some good to be more relaxed next time and to accept that fact that if something bad happens again, then it happens again. Some people have to go through it a few times before they get their miracle and I know God has a plan for us and it's going to be what it's going to be.

In the meantime, I am going to enjoy my new found social life and my sexy husband and just be thankful for all that I have RIGHT NOW. Time to enjoy life in the moment.

Am I ever going to ovulate!?

Ok, so when we found out that the baby had stopped growing I started the misoprostal on Wednesday, January 4th. I bled for 3 days until I was admitted to the hospital for bad infection due to incomplete miscarriage and then they performed the emergency D&C on Sunday, January 8th.

Without fertility meds I ovulate about my 16th or 17th day of my cycle. SO far all my ovulation tests are negative and I'm just wondering when it's going to happen. I did take a pregnancy test about 5 days ago and there was still a faint line, but I'm sure it's out by now...

I really hope I ovulate soon....and then get my period soon! I want to start trying for real again! I almost feel lost without having anything pregnancy or TTC related...

Getting My Life Back.

Lately, I've been going out more than I have in years and it's really helping to keep my mind off of everything. I joined meetup.com and went to a couples meet up group and had a ton of fun.

My husband and I joined a crappy bowling league with my little brother and his fiance and it's tons of fun.  We went out Saturday night with a bunch of friends that we are constantly making plans with, and then breaking them, and am so glad now we went.

And, one of the couples from the meetup group invited us out for drinks next Friday.  I forgot how much I love being social and during this journey I've put off having fun because I've been so consumed with trying to conceive.  It's like I've forgotten who I am.  Now, I'm feeling better than I have in a long time.

Oh, I've also been doing a ton of baking and I have to share this one recipe with you guys. I made these oreo cupcakes that came out GREAT! It's a vanilla cupcake with big chunks of oreo baked in, with a cookie on the bottom and a delicious cream cheese frosting. It's AMAZING!

Here are some photos, and below I have linked to the recipe if you are interested.  They are great and pretty easy to make.








And here's the link to the recipe: http://www.beantownbaker.com/2010/04/oreo-cupcakes-third-time-is-charm.html

All Clear!

So I went to see Dr. Crider for my follow-up from surgery and to discuss future plans and it went very well.  He was very kind and compassionate about everything I went through and it just felt nice to have someone acknowledge what I went through.

Because I haven't seen him in so long (since they insisted I see all the doctors once I was pregnant because you never know who will be on call) I had to recite everything that happened and it was pretty emotional.

But, the good news.  He gave us the go ahead to have sex again, which my husband is surely thrilled about.  It's kinda been awhile.  He wants me to wait two months before starting clomid again, but said we could have sex around ovulation and if it happens, it happens and obviously was meant to.  He said when they tell you to wait 3 months, it's due more to dating issues since your cycle can become a little wonky.

So tomorrow I am taking a spa day (Christmas gift from my husband) and getting myself a wax and going to spend the evening with my love!  It's going to be a perfect Friday :)

It gets better.

It really does!  On Saturday evening we even went out to a bar for a meetup group and I had such a nice time.  The girls saw all the bruises on my arms and wrists (from the IV's...I bruised like CRAZY) and asked me if everything was OK.  I told them how I was in the hospital (because I don't want them to think my husband beats me) and then with more questions I just explained about having an infection from miscarriage.  I didn't really want to tell people but it kind of felt good to get it out.  And luckily no one made any dumb comments or "helpful" remarks.

So I actually had fun.  I realized how much getting out and socializing really helps me.  It would be so much easier to sink back into my hole of despair but it doesn't do me much good.

I even talked to my older brother today, who has a fiance with almost the same due date I would have had if I didn't miscarry.  Privately, I've been really resentful of them.  But today I made nice and talked names with my brother.  It's still not easy but I AM feeling much better.

Tonight I'm going bowling with my husband, parents, my younger brother and his fiance, and another couple and I think it's going to be a good time.

My next doctors appointment is on Wednesday at 10:30am with the doctor who helped me get pregnant, Dr. Crider.  I'm hoping he will tell me that we can start trying with my next regular cycle.  I need that.

I took a pregnancy test last night since I was curious if anything is left in my system.  I mean, I did the misoprostal, THEN had a D&C, and have barely had any bleeding for the past 3 days.  It was STILL positive though, even if faintly so.  It's the only time I've not wanted to see a positive.  Based on  how faint it was though I'm thinking the pregnancy hormone should be gone in the next few days.

Ok, I'm ready now.

Last night I decided.  I'm done with this unhappiness.  No more moping, no more crying, no more thinking about what could have been.

For me, it's time to move on and move forward.  I FINALLY started physically feeling better yesterday evening and it has done wonders for my mood.  

Everything could be so much worse and I have be be thankful for the facts.  I got pregnant.  It may have taken a year but it DID happen.  The clomid helped and it may very well help do the trick this next time.

I'm seeing my doctor Wednesday next week to discuss our next steps and I am praying he gives us the go ahead to try again after my regular cycle begins.  I don't want to wait several months.  I've been reading so many stories about TTC after a miscarriage and there are SO many who conceived with a healthy pregnancy just a month or two after the m/c. 

This gives me hope and it feels so good.

I Lied.

I lied.  I'm not okay.  I feel horrible actually.

I have never felt such ugly feelings before.  Every time I sign into Facebook, I want to scream.  My entire timeline is filled with pregnancy announcements, ultrasound photos, new baby pictures.  And I want to scream.

There's one particular person who I am harboring so much resentment for and it's just so ugly.  I don't like the girl and she's going to be a part of our family one day.  So someone in my family loves her and she got pregnant accidentally.  Didn't even want it.  She knows I've been in the process of miscarrying.  The same day I begin bleeding out my baby (which she KNOWS) she begins posting u/s photos all over facebook, talking about how strong and healthy her baby is.  She continues everyday, writing facebook notes about it.

She has every right to be happy.  It's not HER fault I lost my baby and she didn't.  I just feel like it's rubbed in my face.  I'm probably just being over sensitive, but OH WELL.  These are ugly thoughts and I'm ashamed to have them, but I need to be honest with myself.

I'm tired of feeling like crap.  If it's not one thing, it's another.  How can I heal emotionally when physically I feel awful?

Last night I punched the wall.  I had a total freakout.  I'm not going into detail of what was wrong physically because it's all just gross and I don't want to think about it anymore.  But I was in very bad pain and felt like I was going to die.   My poor husband followed me around as I stomped throughout the bedroom and bathroom, crying hysterically, screaming and yelling at nothing, and all around just looking like a crazy person. 

He was trying so hard to calm me down and make me feel better.  The man is a freaking saint.  I finally popped a pain pill and laid down.  And I was shocked when I woke a few hours later meaning I actually got some sleep.

I don't even know where I am going with any of this...I just am going to pray for a little bit of mercy to stop some of this pain so I can move on with my life.  Please, please, please...

My Nightmare Hospital Ordeal & Emergency D&C

When I started the misoprostal on Wednesday to help me begin to miscarry I thought my whole ordeal was about to be on the way to being over.  I was bleeding, passing clots, all normal in a miscarriage.  Then on Saturday evening, things went horribly, horribly wrong.

I began vomiting around 10pm.  And I mean violently vomiting.  By 3am, I had vomited 20+ times and had a fever of 100.  It was time to go to the ER.

We made the mistake of going to our local little emergency room at a small hospital around the corner.  HUGE mistake.  We waited for 30 in a room before anyone would even bring me blanket.  No one took my temp.  I explained that I knew I was miscarrying but started days prior and had no idea if this was related.  6 hours later, I can barely walk, I am painfully feverish, vomiting nonstop, worst diarrhea of my life.  They tell me there is nothing they can do for me there and are transferring me via ambulance to the large Orlando hospital that my Ob/Gyn office is affiliated with.


2 hours later they finally take my temperature and it's almost 104.  I am STILL at the crappy little hospital.  Let me also say that at this point I have not received one single iota of compassion from any doctor or nurse.  When I couldn't walk anymore I begged for a bedpan to urinate it.  Nurse refused because she didn't want to clean anything.  I finally flip out and tell them that if they don't transfer me within 30 min I am going home and whatever happens to me is on them.  The doctor is rude and horrible.  All I want to do is go home. 

The ambulance finally arrives and I am buckled into the stretcher.  Right before they have drugged me up so much that I barely have an idea of where I am.  Some thirty minutes later we arrive at the hospital.

At the larger hospital everything is different.  I am put in the high risk perinatal section and the nurses are kind, sympathetic, and compassionate.  I see one of the doctors from my practice and he disappoints me very much.  He is not my regular doctor there but I HAVE seen him and he in fact did my last two ultrasounds and put me on the misoprostal.  He is convinced my sickness has NOTHING to do with my miscarriage and that I am either sick with the flu or food poisoning.  Well, I test negative for the flu.  And there is no way it's from food poisoning.  Everyone in my family ate the SAME exact things I ate.  No one else was sick.  It was like he was ignoring me.  He said he'd order an ultrasound.

8 hours later I am STILL waiting for my ultrasound.  Finally at 10:30pm I am brought down to get my u/s.  It shows there is still a little tissue remaining in my uterus.

At 11:30pm another doctor from my practice comes on duty and comes to see me.  This is when things finally began to change.  Before Dr. Hill in, he obviously read my file.  He sat on the end my bed, patted my knee and said how sorry he was for my loss.  Do you know that is the FIRST time any doctor told me that since I found out I would miscarry?  He said he reviewed the u/s and there is some tissue left but not a lot.  But then he said he wanted to do a pelvic exam and if he could actually feel the tissue he wanted to do a D&C because he was worried about how sick I was.  He found my cervix closed and felt tissue stuck in there.  Because of all my symptoms, he said he thinks I have an infection due to an incomplete miscarriage.  My fever at this point is 103.

One hour later I am being prepped for surgery.  My husband is standing beside me and right before they roll me into the room and I begin sobbing.  He looks at me with tears in his eyes, tells me he loves me, and that he'll be right there when I get out.

I wake up about an hour and a half later.  Already my fever is down to 99.  I am groggy and out of it but so glad it's over.  My husband stays with me until I am brought back to my room to sleep for the night.  I was up to Dr. Hill checking on me at 6:30am to tell me that since my fever has continuously gone down immediately following the operation that it obvious to them it was infection.  Part of the placenta was still inside me causing it.   But he said the surgery went well and there should be no reason I can't get pregnant again.  I just want to say I am extremely grateful to Dr. Hill.  His kindness and compassion makes him a wonderful doctor.  Instead of making me wait longer, he took me seriously and acted immediately.

At 5pm the next day I am finally discharged.  My fever has stayed at 98.6 since surgery.  They tried to make me stay the night for more observation, but I refused.  I was done.  I was ready to go home.

I am so utterly exhausted by everything I went though.  It's so hard to heal emotionally when you're going through such crazy stuff physically.  All I can take from this is that I am a stronger person for getting through it.  I refuse to let all of this keep me down.

I will get pregnant again.  We will get our take down home baby and that family we want so badly. I have faith.

Where do you get your support?

For some reason, talking about infertility and miscarriage is so taboo. Nobody talks about it, even though we are desperate for the support.  Through my journey I've really struggled and needed somewhere to go, so...I went to the internet.  I found this great website called TwoWeekWait (www.twoweekwait.com).  Two week wait refers to the time in between ovulation and your period...waiting to find out if you're pregnant.  On there I found some truly wonderful and strong women who are always there for me, no matter what.  They know what it is like to struggle, they have experienced miracles themselves, and they also know the devastation of loss.  You can ask ANY question...it doesn't matter how gross it is.  And believe me, with TTC and pregnancy, there are A LOT of gross questions to be asked.  And they are answered without judgement, with humor, and most of all, understanding.  I'm so grateful to have these people to go to during my times of need.  Throughout my pregnancy and my loss, I knew that I always had somewhere to go.  And when I needed a break for a week, they were OK with that too.  I may have never met them in person, but I consider these people friends.  I think they'd say the same for me :)

Anyway, now for an update on how I'm feeling.   I'm still really struggling today.  The past two days have been filled with lots of cramping and heavy bleeding.  I've been doing really good emotionally but had a little bit of a small breakdown last night.  My husband and I were laying together in bed and he was stroking my hair and my face.  I told him how I can't help thinking of that the early baby gifts my parents bought us, with lots of cute little ducky onesies, and soft little baby blankets and how thinking of them makes me sad because in my mind I could see our baby wearing them.  As usual I started crying while he comforted me.  It's hard when you're healing well emotionally but physically your body is so far behind.  It makes it really hard to separate your feelings on everything.  I will say I am so grateful for the support and love of my husband.  Throughout this whole process he has been there for me.  He's always there to comfort me, hold me when I'm sad, cry with me when I need a good cry.  It's really hard on him too yet he puts all his strength into making me feel better.  I feel incredibly lucky for having such a strong and loving husband and such a wonderful marriage.  In times like this, it's important to remember what you DO have and to remember that I'm STILL lucky.

My TTC Journey So Far

My name is Kellie and my last name is Pizza.  Yes, Pizza.  It's delicious, cheesy and also happens to be my last name (Thank you for that, dear husband).  My husband, Theo and I have officially been trying to conceive since March 2011.  It hasn't been an easy process.  Every month of BFN's was another month of heart ache.  Then on November 29, 2011, the unthinkable happened!  Theo and I had just returned from visiting family in PA for Thanksgiving.  I was 10dpo and finally decided to test that month.  It was my 2nd round of clomid.  I tested expecting another BFN.  I expected that so much that I tested, barely glanced at it, and went back to bed for an hour.  When I woke up I went to let our puppies, Dexter & Emmie outside and brought the test with me.  As I looked at it outside I almost lost my balance.  There was a second line!  It was faint, but it was there!  I was in shock.  I waited 3 more hours and peed on another test.  This time I used Answer brand instead of First Response (FRER).  And it popped up right away!  My husband was putting our star atop of our Christmas tree when I told him.  He almost fell off!  The joy we both felt in that moment was incredible and I will never forget that feeling.

Fast forward to December 22, 2011.  On this day I am 6w6d pregnant.  Theo and I are at my doctors appointment for my first ultrasound.  I have been so sick everyday with lots of pregnancy symptoms.  We know that by this time we should be seeing a heartbeat.  I am nervous but I feel like everything is going to be OK.  Seeing our baby's heartbeat will be the greatest Christmas gift we ever get and we can't wait to finally call all of our family afterwards.  I have daydreamed about this moment with my husband, when we see that flicker and we look at each other.  That moment we will have where we feel each others excitement, love, and happiness all that the same time.  But that moment doesn't happen.  I am numb as the doctor tells me he is only seeing a gestastional sac and that I'm only measuring 4 1/2 weeks.  He suggests that I have mixed up my dates.  I haven't.  Immediately I start crying.  I know in my heart what this probably means.  I am hysterical, devastated, and inconsolable.  The doctor says this can go either way.  He wants me to come back in 2 weeks for another u/s to see if it's grown.  He says it's not over.  I know in my heart that it is.  My husband has to help me walk out because I can barely hold myself up.  As I walk out I see the looks of pity from the pregnant women in the waiting room.  I am dizzy, sobbing, a mess.

For the next week and a half I am devastated.  I put on a brave face for the holidays but cry in bed when I get home.  My older brother and his fiance announce they are pregnant.  They didn't even want this.  They aren't even happy.  My husband is upset with me, thinking everything is still OK, that I am giving up.  My pregnancy symptoms are still there, but I can feel them begin to subside.  The night before New Years Eve, I go to use the bathroom.  When I wipe, there is blood.  It goes away.  Two nights later, the same thing.  Blood when I wipe.  It goes away again.  When I see the blood the first time, I know for sure.  I call my husband in.  He sees the blood and immediately breaks down for the first time.  He is hysterical and sobbing , saying how sorry he is.  He falls to his knees and hugs me while I still sit on the toilet.  We hold each other, my heart breaking into a million little pieces. 

Two days later I finally go in for my follow-up ultrasound.  I do not even shed a tear as the doctor tell me that my sac has grown, there is a placenta, and everything looks great except for the fact that there is no baby.  He calls it a missed miscarriage.  He writes me a prescriptions for misoprostol.

That next morning I take the meds and begin the miscarriage process.  The cramps are painful and the bleeding is heavy, but I stay strong.

Today is day 3 since I took the pills.  I am still bleeding but feeling much better.  My doctor said we can start trying again whenever we feel ready.  We plan to start the clomid again with my first regular cycle.

This blog is going to document our journey TTC.  There are going to be some tough times but what I am excited for is those wonderful times.  And I KNOW we will have them.  Going through this whole process helped me to realize how strong I am and how solid and strong my marriage is.  And I have a feeling that very soon we will have our own little pizza in the oven <3